Searching in the rain or shine

Dear R,

I am searching for myself. V pointed it out directly a few times my lack of boundaries and assertiveness. I start to see it and feel it more recently, how ungrounded I am, as a doctor to the patients and as a doctor to my non-medical colleagues. I feel exhausted, when I feel stepped over and when I didn't speak up for myself, when I had too much hesitation in those moments and decided too quickly unconsciously to just let things be. I am unsure what kind of registrar or future leader or consultant I should and can become. I felt my racing heart, when I asked myself to be brave, to voice different opinion, to ask someone to come back 10 minutes later, to request the nursing staff to please do a set of vital signs now. These, are exhausting too. You once spent almost an hour to tell me I should not be a person who sit back and hide herself. Each small step of walking out of my shell, exposing myself to the world, is akin walking into incessant rain without an umbrella, walking under scorching sun without a protective shield.  But I am not some unimportant element in the background. Sometimes and many times people need my presence and direction. My growing knowledge, skill and experience, can be my umbrella and sun shield. My kindness and sensitivity, can still be part of me. I can't be you. I can't be the other female psychiatrists who carry some traits I admire too. I am unsure who I can be. I hope to find myself, one day perhaps in the future.