It has rained for three days. I still prefer the sunlight.

10 March 2026

Dear R,

Today I skimmed back the emotional (or reflective as you called it) mails and texts I sent you just not too long ago. Ain't they a bit embarrassing? But my emotions and vulnerabilities were real. Thank you for allowing me to be my real and raw self. Even for just a month or two, I found I have grown in your absence. Sometimes I still feel alone. But I am not. I have my husband. And I am carrying your influence in my every step forward. 

Right now, on this day, in this moment, I feel anxious, worried and afraid, of the unknown, of my self-perceived inadequacy. 

But I want to remember your encouraging nod and knowing smile, when I felt uncertain of myself, when we were sitting in silence. I want to remember that. 

I hope you are doing well and that your life remains enjoyable. Talk to you again soon. 

I'm here, where it is almost always summer.

Dear R,

I had a quiet week. I only had 1 morning of home visits. I had 2 mornings of clinics. (Doing clinic with V is the least enjoyable part of this work, as much as I keep reminding myself that I want to learn her strengths (and I am). It always gives me unpleasant feeling and made me felt belittled. After a few moments of reflection, I would like to tell her next time that being (tri)bilingual is my strength but I am more than an interpreter so I shouldn't be treated like one. I also do not agree with using family member as an interpreter not only because it is medicolegally inappropriate, it also creates a kind of power imbalance which doesn't give the patient the therapeutic effect of a review at all.) 

Sometimes I included psychological formulation under my impression. I want to continue to sharpen my formulation skill. I don't think I have managed to improve my interviewing skill or learn new skills yet. 

Logistic/political/practical problems at work are not getting better, I do not want to care about them anymore. I need to just do what I can. And 6 months will be over soon, somebody told me. I am not thinking about running away now.

People are lovely here too. I am unsure why I need to point this out every time. I always find lovely people a bonus. 

I am still a very emotionally reactive person. I can't seem to change that (why do I need to change, I am being self-critical again). Things worsen the start of this term. Lovely people helps alleviate some of my emotions, by allowing me expressing them and sharing my (uncontrolled) honest thoughts.

Overall, I have been feeling stressed, over the past 1 month actually, by many things added up and the exam.  

 (I think I have been doing well at work, despite the systemic chaos, although no one told me that. Now I have to say this to myself. You are good. You have done well.)

I hope I can do this. I need to do this. You have given me the faith. 

3 more weeks

最近博文的title都是时间主题。我的生活可以多姿多彩一点，可以more than work吗？
这6个月都被MCQ prep dominated。我现在感到紧张和害怕。不是害怕考试，是害怕失败和别人的目光。

1 March 2026

上一次很重要的formal exam，是med school year 4。

2
D先生has turned 30。我和他说，我快30岁了，wardrobe的衣要换掉。他说他也是。
我终于要慢慢告别那些大学时期的衣服，不知不觉已经很多年了。

3
今天因为我的笨拙，我放入冰箱里的matcha latte在冰箱里被打翻，饮料流出冰箱。D先生跑来现场，然后开始处理残局，清理了半个冰箱和1/4厨房。他的平静总让我发现，原来我小时候（甚至是现在，如果我回到父母身边）做错（而做错is a subjective perception，常常我并不觉得自己错）事情时会得到disproprotionate的责备和disapproval。我每次事情做得不好，心里会先产生恐惧的情绪，也造成了harsh superego。

谢谢D先生总是给我平静，他不是忍耐，是真的没有生气。写这些就透露了我从原生家庭得来的insecure attachment。但也是写到这里，我发现原来我一早就在这段感情里，获得了attachment healing，从遇见他的那一年开始。

Me: 今天真是灾难的一天。
D: 明明就是人为
Me: 是什么人？
D: 一个clumsy的兔子。

我们一起走过很多城市，搬家无数次，成长也许多，谢谢你的温柔如初。