It has rained for three days. I still prefer the sunlight.

10 March 2026

Dear R,

Today I skimmed back the emotional (or reflective as you called it) mails and texts I sent you just not too long ago. Ain't they a bit embarrassing? But my emotions and vulnerabilities were real. Thank you for allowing me to be my real and raw self. Even for just a month or two, I found I have grown in your absence. Sometimes I still feel alone. But I am not. I have my husband. And I am carrying your influence in my every step forward. 

Right now, on this day, in this moment, I feel anxious, worried and afraid, of the unknown, of my self-perceived inadequacy. 

But I want to remember your encouraging nod and knowing smile, when I felt uncertain of myself, when we were sitting in silence. I want to remember that. 

I hope you are doing well and that your life remains enjoyable. Talk to you again soon. 

I'm here, where it is almost always summer.

Dear R,

I had a quiet week. I only had 1 morning of home visits. I had 2 mornings of clinics. (Doing clinic with V is the least enjoyable part of this work, as much as I keep reminding myself that I want to learn her strengths (and I am). It always gives me unpleasant feeling and made me felt belittled. After a few moments of reflection, I would like to tell her next time that being (tri)bilingual is my strength but I am more than an interpreter so I shouldn't be treated like one. I also do not agree with using family member as an interpreter not only because it is medicolegally inappropriate, it also creates a kind of power imbalance which doesn't give the patient the therapeutic effect of a review at all.) 

Sometimes I included psychological formulation under my impression. I want to continue to sharpen my formulation skill. I don't think I have managed to improve my interviewing skill or learn new skills yet. 

Logistic/political/practical problems at work are not getting better, I do not want to care about them anymore. I need to just do what I can. And 6 months will be over soon, somebody told me. I am not thinking about running away now.

People are lovely here too. I am unsure why I need to point this out every time. I always find lovely people a bonus. 

I am still a very emotionally reactive person. I can't seem to change that (why do I need to change, I am being self-critical again). Things worsen the start of this term. Lovely people helps alleviate some of my emotions, by allowing me expressing them and sharing my (uncontrolled) honest thoughts.

Overall, I have been feeling stressed, over the past 1 month actually, by many things added up and the exam.  

 (I think I have been doing well at work, despite the systemic chaos, although no one told me that. Now I have to say this to myself. You are good. You have done well.)

I hope I can do this. I need to do this. You have given me the faith. 

3 more weeks

最近博文的title都是时间主题。我的生活可以多姿多彩一点，可以more than work吗？
这6个月都被MCQ prep dominated。我现在感到紧张和害怕。不是害怕考试，是害怕失败和别人的目光。

1 March 2026

上一次很重要的formal exam，是med school year 4。

2
D先生has turned 30。我和他说，我快30岁了，wardrobe的衣要换掉。他说他也是。
我终于要慢慢告别那些大学时期的衣服，不知不觉已经很多年了。

3
今天因为我的笨拙，我放入冰箱里的matcha latte在冰箱里被打翻，饮料流出冰箱。D先生跑来现场，然后开始处理残局，清理了半个冰箱和1/4厨房。他的平静总让我发现，原来我小时候（甚至是现在，如果我回到父母身边）做错（而做错is a subjective perception，常常我并不觉得自己错）事情时会得到disproprotionate的责备和disapproval。我每次事情做得不好，心里会先产生恐惧的情绪，也造成了harsh superego。

谢谢D先生总是给我平静，他不是忍耐，是真的没有生气。写这些就透露了我从原生家庭得来的insecure attachment。但也是写到这里，我发现原来我一早就在这段感情里，获得了attachment healing，从遇见他的那一年开始。

Me: 今天真是灾难的一天。
D: 明明就是人为
Me: 是什么人？
D: 一个clumsy的兔子。

我们一起走过很多城市，搬家无数次，成长也许多，谢谢你的温柔如初。

4th week

23 Feb Monday

I did not expect the relationships I had with the (female) case managers would be so profoundly genuine. I dropped by the CCT office sometimes as I have twice weekly clinic at SHP. They were happy to see me (so was I). Kylie hugged me. They told me everything that has been happening. People and the oxytocin, is something I did not expect. 

Though things and place change, when people are different. That includes the inpatient wards. 

26 Feb Thursday

I had bad week Tuesday onwards. It was because of the uncertainty, the changes and my accumulating unfinished notes. 

I have no clever reflection to make this week. 

I just found that those stress and anxiety couldn't be controlled if the acute issues are real. They weighed me down. They creeped into my house and my bedroom. When I could not breathe, I almost wanted to take a sick leave again, then I reminded myself the importance of my own reputation (as an honest and responsible person who only takes real sick leave) and the annoyance and inconvenience I will cause to the other people. Sometimes things are worse in my head. 

I can't believe it is the 4th week already. I still find myself struggling (practically, not clinically). Because ironically enough, despite my hardest effort to find a new routine amongst the chaos, things just keep changing. There is a political battle going on. It made me feel disgusted. Is every place the same?

I need my RDO. Tomorrow is my first RDO of this term. 

2
Having coffee at Sens Fusion whenever I am at SHP becomes a comfort point.