People we look up to, and respect

Dear R,

I did a weekend ward shift today at Robina. It was a reasonable shift. I did Short Stay round with Dr Rogers this morning. His passion (and humility) lighted me up again. Although I started this shift 30 mins earlier to get things organised to combat my pre-shift anxiety, I managed to leave relatively on time which made me very happy. I felt energised after the shift. I am so glad that I not only do not lose touch of adult psychiatry, but my more variety of experience after last year made me a better psychiatry registrar. It made me realise again my clinical experience will never leave me, and my learning from you including the way you treat any person. I thanked Dr Rogers before I headed off. He reminded me of what good psychiatry and psychiatrist is. I needed it so much of late. It was funny just a day or two ago I was seriously contemplating on doing Old Age psychiatry. I was (and still am) longing for a sense of belonging, for being accepted for who I am, for being understood, for being at ease with the group of people I work with and genuinely like them, and for the intellectual stimulation which I can't work without. I might really like adult psychiatry after all. I miss the excitement. 

Serenity

我真的很喜欢，在你身边，觉得很平静的感觉。

喜欢和你在一起，真的很开心。

喜欢我们都可以在彼此面前，当最真实的自己。

喜欢和我一起面对这个世界的人，是你。

世界很大，我们不再需要害怕。

Relativity- things, people and everything

Dear R,

I bumped into V in the hospital campus. She was at the cafeteria. It was lovely and warm. She asked me how I am, I couldn't even pretend to say some positive things to paint myself in good light. I told her it was all horrible and I am counting down days. She laughed and said it doesn't sound promising, there are 3 more months! She asked if it is about the work arrangement or the work. She asked the right question. She is sharp as always. I said work is alright, it is everything else. I said it is not about CYMHS but my rotation. She said it is the summary of work-life, work is always not the problem, but the people and the other things. I teared up after I walked away. It is the feeling of being understood, the effect of the motherly advice, the warmth of being able to stay myself, be accepted and still seen as worthy.

I'm unsure where I'm heading in the next few years. I told V I even miss Older Person. We laughed. I miss the the clinical work of Older Person. I miss the group warmth (really good bunch of people). But I'm unsure. Do I really like Old Age psychiatry? I might consider it. I start to appreciate the good things of Old Age Psychiatry- the complexity, a bit of medicine to remind ourselves that we are still doctors, treating depression as a real biological illness, titrating medications carefully; and almost no patient will shout at me or carefully ask for my name with threat to lodge a complaint against me. 

Relativity. All things are relative. Things and people. 

(after comparisons I would still give the best team award to my CCT Red and Yellow team)

"If the rules of the society make you unhappy, then the rules are wrong"

I felt sick physically, when I learned that I can't take leaves to attend my brother's graduation ceremony for his phd, because someone else would be taking leaves at the same time. I felt sick that I am missing lots of important events for the few important people in my life, that I can't be part of their happiness or success and be proud of it (this, my high school friend's wedding and I could imagine more similar future encounters; and thinking back, I did not even attend my own MD graduation ceremony when I had the chance; and my own family members telling they can't afford the flight tickets to attend my wedding ceremony if I were to have one in Australia- that make me think more seriously about the calculation of pros and cons for certain reason of flying back to Malaysia or is there really unconditional love for me and if there is none why should I make the sacrifice etc). I felt more sick that I have almost no control over my personal life arrangement at work in this rotation particularly, because of more emphasis on the 'rules', 'how things work for everybody', 'the process' and how I have to talk to many people so that my leaves can be approved.

I felt so sick. I have said this so many times starting 2 months ago. I should make this a motivation to shift my focus to something more important.