Monday 0800-1800h and the rest

Dear R,

I am being consumed, by the accumulation of seemingly unimportant events and interactions. The discomfort I can't put word to, seep into my thoughts and weigh down my brain. It feels heavy. 

I need to find myself and assert my position. I need to protect my boundaries. I need to not be blinded by the mask of niceness and pleasantness of the others, and only look at the clinical capability itself. I am learning that I do not need to please others. I do not need to be afraid of not being liked. Being liked or not is a projection of the others and not the true reflection of myself. The same can be said to certain comments made by V. I respect her experience but I don't have to agree with all of her views. 

I just did a Public Holiday shift today. It was not too bad. I saw a kid and facilitated a risky discharge. The EPS office was buzzing as usual. But people respect my need for silence. I always sit at the corner seat in silence. But they know I am listening. They know I can do my job. And maybe, I don't even have to care whether they know it or not. I just need to do my job, be myself and stay grounded.  

-ve cognitive dump

I hope this all will end soon. 

I don't like being trapped in the car with emotions or silence that the other person can't tolerate.

I don't like not being at a fixed place each and every day. 

I don't like this. I don't like seeing a patient whose physical health is much more of a problem than mental health, and seeing him every month, more frequently than his GP will see him. 

I want to work with more competent case managers, or clinicians when I am on call. But I can't choose who I am going to work with. How should I carry myself?

2
Yesterday I felt very angry as I was dictated by an NDIS coordinator for the 2nd time on how to write a medical supporting letter. I refuse to hide or alter any diagnosis without clinical ground. I wrote the letter from an objective clinical view and no one should manipulate me into misconstruing a clinical picture of a patient for the purpose of funding. If the government decides to change the whole funding system, the inescapable can't be avoided. My job is to provide my medical opinion. I can't control how a NDIS coordinator manages the fund (nor am I interested in what they do with the it behind the blind). No irrelevant party should wrongly influence how I do my job either. This is the difference between an AI generated letter vs a doctor's letter. I refuse to write anything other than the truth within my knowledge. 

Searching in the rain or shine

Dear R,

I am searching for myself. V pointed it out directly a few times my lack of boundaries and assertiveness. I start to see it and feel it more recently, how ungrounded I am, as a doctor to the patients and as a doctor to my non-medical colleagues. I feel exhausted, when I feel stepped over and when I didn't speak up for myself, when I had too much hesitation in those moments and decided too quickly unconsciously to just let things be. I am unsure what kind of registrar or future leader or consultant I should and can become. I felt my racing heart, when I asked myself to be brave, to voice different opinion, to ask someone to come back 10 minutes later, to request the nursing staff to please do a set of vital signs now. These, are exhausting too. You once spent almost an hour to tell me I should not be a person who sit back and hide herself. Each small step of walking out of my shell, exposing myself to the world, is akin walking into incessant rain without an umbrella, walking under scorching sun without a protective shield.  But I am not some unimportant element in the background. Sometimes and many times people need my presence and direction. My growing knowledge, skill and experience, can be my umbrella and sun shield. My kindness and sensitivity, can still be part of me. I can't be you. I can't be the other female psychiatrists who carry some traits I admire too. I am unsure who I can be. I hope to find myself, one day perhaps in the future.

Talking to myself- why do I read

我1月读了Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine之后，就好像没有再持续读什么了。因为后来就开始intensively备考MCQ。

我的kindle下载了很多书。有些书我看了前几页，感觉内容不是我想看的。

我想看的故事，是轻松的，可以让我放松的故事。

我从去年还是前年开始都一直看日韩小说。这些是我喜欢看的简单的故事。

最近看完的The Curious Kitten at the Chibineko Kitchen，故事很像之前我看过的月亮灵魂故事（Lost Souls Meet Under a Full Moon; How to Hold Someone in Your Heart)。是淡淡的故事，每晚放工读一点的故事。不是page turner，也不会读得令人不耐烦。但整体也不很惊艳。读了大概就会忘记了的书。

我看了很多fiction。如果small talk时人家问我，我最喜欢的是哪一本，我大概也不会随手拈来说出一些书或作者名字。这让我reflect我看书是为了什么，根本没有让我好像变成有点厉害。我最近几年看书，是为了娱乐自己。

我最近在看的书是I am not a tourist- Conversations on being British chinese。久违地读起non-fiction，也是因为考完MCQ了成绩也知道了，脑袋终于轻松了一点。这是我感觉很interested的topic。但有点可惜的是内容原来都在说历史，而不是我想看的personal cultural experience。虽然那些历史对我来说是eye-opening的，也不会难读。这是一本重要的书，我想。

还有anxious generation的书，我最近上班commute时看。这本书的信息一开始就很明确清晰了。这本书的point有点repetitive。不属于享受着看的书。是那种我为了汲取重点，速读的书。

最后再说我最近发现，我为什么看书。是因为，我没看书的时候，也有很多无谓的restless mind。看书，至少让我的思绪有anchor，是一种regulation。