Dear R,
Despite my best effort, I feel misunderstood, disgusted and unhappy.
As my naivety gets peeled away from me slowly, I feel the rawness of the spot. I find it hard to breathe.
I do not believe I have done anything wrong.
But I do not want to care anymore.
Dear R,
I talked to Michael. Michael is a registrar a rotation ahead of me. I needed to talk to someone (who can share me the truths) badly. He advised me to keep my head down in CYMHS, go with the flow, get my things signed and to hopefully never return. This is such a good practical advice, why hadn't I thought of it before. I told Michael I am too naive and brainless that I have to learn some lessons the hard way. He comforted me that he did the same, but only on the his last MDT day with the team. I can't pinpoint the problem. I feel unfulfilled and not happy in the Eating Disorder team. I start to understand what Farai told me. She said Older Persons is a good team, although technically many things are broken. She said I will miss them. She is right. Sometimes I daydream of bringing biscuits and snacks to their office, giving and getting free hugs.
Maybe I should stop trying to show or prove my worth, to state the obvious. And maybe I can guess why now Laszlo loves the CL office and the people in there so much. I am enjoying the CL part too. I am just slowly getting used to the people.
But, is there no right or wrong in this world? I feel tired of it all. I feel misplaced.
Dear R,
I am recovering from a respiratory viral illness. I was sick for more than a week, 1.5 weeks into this new term. While the persistence of this virus was unexpected, I was not surprised by the low point of my immunity. The first 1.5 weeks had overwhelmed me.
I went to the 2nd Older Persons dinner. 6 months ago it was a welcome dinner, now it was a thank you dinner for me. I was actually happy to see V. I told her everything about my experience in CYMHS so far. I felt the oxytocin surge. I like her motherly advice and her sharing of her experience. I said there is no mental illness. She said it is about early intervention. She had asked me to keep an open mind, I might like it. She had liked it too but it is about whether it is what you want to do for the rest of your life. I am unsure of what I want to do for the rest of my life yet. The dinner was great. I did like some parts of the Older Persons, and being part of this consultant/registrar group. V gave me a goodbye hug.
I find myself always look back and paint my memories of previous rotations in rosier picture. I wanted to learn something new in Old Age psychiatry and I did. Now I should learn something new in my next 6 months as well. I do not feel as keen. The feeling of fear, the lack of environmental consistency and comfort has drowned my intellectual curiosity. And I miss your insightful supervisions.
(In the moments I blabbered my uncensored thoughts about my new term to V and laughed together with her, I realised I have made it, in making all days counted without you. This new term is difficult for me in a few ways. I will make the best out of it this time too. Working with different consultant, working in different teams, finding different ways. I think I started off quite well clinically- thanks to my Adult and Older Person CCT experience.)
Dear R,
V has almost always been portrayed as an antagonist in all my previous writing. It is true that I had been feeling oppressed by her way. 2 weeks out of Older Persons now, as always, in retrospect, in another brand new environment, I noticed what she has taught me, what changes she has made in me, how she has shaped me in some ways, ways that would be useful in my career lifelong. Clinical (or personal) maturity, boundaries, assertiveness, power balance, "did you take a deep breath first" (before I presented my emotional self to my colleagues) and the clinical hard facts she taught me. A label of being supportive can be loosely attached to someone, but V is the real supportive consultant to the level of baby steps (this is when it can get too much). I always learned a lot from her supervision too and in our CBDs. I miss some of the things she gives.
Susan is a good training supervisor. She had asked me to keep an open mind and ask a lot of questions. I will take the advice. She listed clinical benefits of home visits to me at the start of my Older Person term. I always dread change.
I will learn something from each person, each team, each place. Thank you for this advice too.
