Out of sync

Dear R, 

I don't play chess. I have entered a chessboard unknowingly. I have to observe how the other people play the game and figure out the rules silently. There are many unspoken rules. This dance is too complicated. People smile with a smooth 'how are you' after stabbing your back, was it to make themselves feel better? Every day we do our best at work until there is little energy left for our life. I can't keep up with this game or dance. I just want to see my patients, think about my plans and see if they get better. And that is all. I thought that is all that med school taught me. But I am out of sync. When I thought I am getting better at my work, when what I give is always my best effort, I not only do not fit in, but I fit in awkwardly and wrongly they said. I just want to see my patients, and be a doctor. 

Dear diary,

那个地方，那些环境和人际关系，那些突然就被拷问和质疑和责备的很多moment，我还是非常不喜欢。让我非常想念之前我到过的地方，遇见过的人。那些地方和人，辜负了原本尽管焦虑着eating disorders and CYMHS却还是抱着满腔热情要学习的我。我已经正在detach自己。工作的生活，好像是假的生活，我只是个演员。还有3个月。希望可以平安过去，然后希望下一站会更好更好。

23.10.2026, spring in rain

Dear R,

I looked back to what I wrote a year ago around this time. I skimmed what I wrote to you (the one which was really sent). I cringed and unable to read beyond 3 sentences. You had been too kind to me. Thank you and thank you. 

2
I am learning ADHD here though not quite the assessment of it. Yesterday I adjusted Vyvanse dose for the very first time of my life! It was exciting for me. I start to see the other slice of the world and appreciate the usefulness of stimulants (and not only just stimulants-induced psychosis). 

Other than that, some other days are bland. I need more clinical learning and intellectual stimulation. 

3
Dear diary,

现在的有时，我还会想起我们在new zealand悠闲度假的日子。冷冷的天，路边的绵羊，雪山，和壮观的风景。我每天早上化妆的时候，都觉得嫁接的睫毛美得刚刚好。10天的旅行，是我们第一次这么长的旅行。最后我们觉得很累。D先生宣布下次旅行只能一个星期。我们回家之后的周末去seaworld第二次，和在一个很热的天去了paradise country，在那里看了很多树熊。然后我开始认真想着考试，和又想工作。对于工作，我慢慢detach自己，因为这个rotation匹配不了我的热情。我要学习go with the flow。

最近一个礼拜都在下雨。下雨的春天。我原本觉得要一鼓作气备考，结果还是不知不觉看完了一本书The Nanako Thrift Shop。我也挺喜欢，是有点寂寞的书。

People we look up to, and respect

Dear R,

I did a weekend ward shift today at Robina. It was a reasonable shift. I did Short Stay round with Dr Rogers this morning. His passion (and humility) lighted me up again. Although I started this shift 30 mins earlier to get things organised to combat my pre-shift anxiety, I managed to leave relatively on time which made me very happy. I felt energised after the shift. I am so glad that I not only do not lose touch of adult psychiatry, but my more variety of experience after last year made me a better psychiatry registrar. It made me realise again my clinical experience will never leave me, and my learning from you including the way you treat any person. I thanked Dr Rogers before I headed off. He reminded me of what good psychiatry and psychiatrist is. I needed it so much of late. It was funny just a day or two ago I was seriously contemplating on doing Old Age psychiatry. I was (and still am) longing for a sense of belonging, for being accepted for who I am, for being understood, for being at ease with the group of people I work with and genuinely like them, and for the intellectual stimulation which I can't work without. I might really like adult psychiatry after all. I miss the excitement. 

Serenity

我真的很喜欢，在你身边，觉得很平静的感觉。

喜欢和你在一起，真的很开心。

喜欢我们都可以在彼此面前，当最真实的自己。

喜欢和我一起面对这个世界的人，是你。

世界很大，我们不再需要害怕。