2 months down soon.

Dear R,

In these 6 weeks, I have read Goodman and Scott minus a few chapters, several chapters of Clinical Child Psychiatry, CBT by Judith Beck. I have written up 3 cases. I have grasped the basics of eating disorders. I understand attachments more. I can take better social and developmental history. 

I want it all to end soon.  I want to finish my assessments as soon as I can. I want to learn what I should, and move on. 

I feel sick. I feel disappointed and devalued. I feel shut up. I have no voice. I feel wronged, even though all that I do is just my best. 

Anyhow. I am going on 2-week leaves. I have uninstalled the Outlook app from my phone. I do not want to care anymore. A place with no good leadership, a place full of disgust. 

11.9.26

Dear R,

Despite my best effort, I feel misunderstood, disgusted and unhappy. 

As my naivety gets peeled away from me slowly,  I feel the rawness of the spot. I find it hard to breathe.

I do not believe I have done anything wrong.

But I do not want to care anymore. 

But just 5 weeks down

Dear R, 

I talked to Michael. Michael is a registrar a rotation ahead of me. I needed to talk to someone (who can share me the truths) badly. He advised me to keep my head down in CYMHS, go with the flow, get my things signed and to hopefully never return. This is such a good practical advice, why hadn't I thought of it before. I told Michael I am too naive and brainless that I have to learn some lessons the hard way. He comforted me that he did the same, but only on the his last MDT day with the team. I can't pinpoint the problem. I feel unfulfilled and not happy in the Eating Disorder team. I start to understand what Farai told me. She said Older Persons is a good team, although technically many things are broken. She said I will miss them. She is right. Sometimes I daydream of bringing biscuits and snacks to their office, giving and getting free hugs. 

Maybe I should stop trying to show or prove my worth, to state the obvious. And maybe I can guess why now Laszlo loves the CL office and the people in there so much. I am enjoying the CL part too. I am just slowly getting used to the people. 

But, is there no right or wrong in this world? I feel tired of it all. I feel misplaced. 

3 weeks at CYMHS minus 5 days

Dear R,

I am recovering from a respiratory viral illness. I was sick for more than a week, 1.5 weeks into this new term. While the persistence of this virus was unexpected, I was not surprised by the low point of my immunity. The first 1.5 weeks had overwhelmed me. 

I went to the 2nd Older Persons dinner. 6 months ago it was a welcome dinner, now it was a thank you dinner for me. I was actually happy to see V. I told her everything about my experience in CYMHS so far. I felt the oxytocin surge. I like her motherly advice and her sharing of her experience. I said there is no mental illness. She said it is about early intervention. She had asked me to keep an open mind, I might like it. She had liked it too but it is about whether it is what you want to do for the rest of your life. I am unsure of what I want to do for the rest of my life yet. The dinner was great. I did like some parts of the Older Persons, and being part of this consultant/registrar group. V gave me a goodbye hug. 

I find myself always look back and paint my memories of previous rotations in rosier picture. I wanted to learn something new in Old Age psychiatry and I did. Now I should learn something new in my next 6 months as well. I do not feel as keen. The feeling of fear, the lack of environmental consistency and comfort has drowned my intellectual curiosity. And I miss your insightful supervisions. 

(In the moments I blabbered my uncensored thoughts about my new term to V and laughed together with her, I realised I have made it, in making all days counted without you. This new term is difficult for me in a few ways. I will make the best out of it this time too. Working with different consultant, working in different teams, finding different ways. I think I started off quite well clinically- thanks to my Adult and Older Person CCT experience.)