31.1.16，Bye Melb

收拾好心情了，大概。有些事情努力帮不上。结果公布第二天，我仔细想了想很远的以后，加上一点怒气和不甘心，又想不开了。想不开好几个小时。后来被housemates几句话安抚了。熟悉或不熟悉的地方，认识或不认识的人，我会重新开始。这是对自己和它的诺言。每个人都需要一个不会被摧毁的梦想。不是因为一个决定，我就能活得不好。两年不开心的理由，只是很久以后回忆的一小部分。有一天，我会变成一个你不了解的人，文字也说不清。会努力，跟任何人扯不上关系的努力。

2
It's okay. Psychology and friendship made A-levels worthwhile. J

最后一个转

Yes, you heard the news. Public Service Department (JPA) scholarships for overseas varsities will no longer be supported. I wonder where has 'Janji Ditepati' (Promises Fulfilled) went? Maybe it is only during election time that they’ll remember their promises decades ago.

Some people argued that we - the 2013 batch of Education Ministry (KPM) bursary scholars - should be grateful. I totally agree with it that we should, but not to the government. We should be grateful to the people who have faithfully paid their taxes instead.

On the other hand, we were told from the very beginning that if we work hard and get ourselves an offer from one of the top 20 universities in the world, we will be offered a scholarship. You may have heard this a hundred times, maybe more, but let me just finish my story before you begin yours. Listen, listen, listen times infinity. Let me talk.

Yes, let me talk. I would like to point out that getting an offer from the top 20 universities is no easy task. In fact, for the KPM 2011/2012 batches, the requirement was offers from the top 50 varsities (not easy as well). So as you can see, the bar for our batch was raised considerably and we really have to work ourselves to the bone.

Truly if it was not for the scholarship, I would definitely not take up A-Levels because it’s just unnecessarily tough. But it certainly gets you an offer from these universities easier, compared to other qualifications.

Apart from hard work, what else do I have to say? Maybe our Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak works as hard as us, who knows... Considering he’s both the PM and the finance minister, balancing a budget for an overspending administration certainly is no easy job. Not to mention over-paying for jets, calculators, submarine, you name it!

Our PM told us that the goods and services tax (GST) has saved Malaysia, but it certainly did not save my scholarship. Frankly, GST did not saved Malaysia, it just saved Najib’s job. To be honest, I am not desperate to go overseas for a few reasons. But upon hearing that our scholarships have been scaled down, I was not angry or emotional - just disappointed. Some of us had secured placements at some of the most prestigious schools in the world - such as Oxford, Cambridge, and Princeton, just to name a few...

Meanwhile, some have argued that a lot of these “scholars” go overseas and then never come back, but do they actually know why?

Others argue that we should not send our brightest overseas, and that they should be locked up in cages where they can’t debate, nor express themselves freely. Even clothing has become an issue, with certain public universities enforcing dress codes . Where has the freedom of expression gone? What about freedom of speech?

So, let me just ask our dear current administration or haters out there: Do our public higher learning institutions promote and encourage academic freedom? Is our current infrastructure/mentality able to accommodate freedom of speech and debates?

If those bureaucrats can answer ‘yes’ without sending their kids overseas, then they can go ahead with their masterplan.

Just so that you know, Mara started the International General Certificate of Secondary Education (IGCSE) or O-Level syllabus for all their junior colleges and would have completed the whole transition last year. And for their pre-university programme, Mara had their students undergo the International Baccalaureate (IB) syllabus.

For your information, the requirement for Mara’s overseas scholarships is an offer from any of the world’s top 100 universities. So, why does Mara choose to send the brightest bumiputeras overseas, considering they have a world-class bumiputera-only university in Malaysia?

I don’t intend to be racist; whether you’re DAP, BN, PAS, etc, one thing you can’t deny is that the world is getting smaller - and Mara clearly recognises it. That’s why they send their brightest overseas so they can come back and rule over you all who still haven’t realised this fact.

I’m not here to tell you that they should revert the decisions, but I just want to point out that the whole scholarship programme has no fault at all. If it’s the implementation of it that is faulty then fix it, not throw the whole programme away.

Singapore, our neighbour, has done remarkably well with their Public Service Commission Scholarships, and most of their cabinet ministers are beneficiaries of said scholarship. Well, they gladly came back and serve their time after studying. Why? It is because they see a future. And frankly right now, mine and 700 others like me were just denied.

So right now, we’ve all been asking each other what’s our plan. For me, I don’t have a plan yet because I’m not like Mara or Ah Jib Gor who’s always ready with a “masterplan” for Malaysia.

I used to have a plan to serve Malaysia whole-heartedly considering the trust that the country had placed on me, but right now mine has change, just like Ah Jib Gor’s promises. Perhaps I might go to our tiny neighbour Singapore -which, though tiny, does appreciate talent.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying Malaysians are racist... but you can’t deny that our constitution guarantees certain rights to certain groups of people - of which fortunately/unfortunately, I am not.

On that note, I would like to extend my gratitude to all the JPA officers who have acted in full professional behaviour. We all know you guys were just following instructions. I apologise if some of us had been totally ignorant. I would also like to thank all the teachers and friends who had so much hope in all of us.

I guess 700+ of us will just be the same guinea pigs for all the government’s experiments in education.

#

Written by anonymous.

29.1.16

梦想降级，就是自己失败。

转3

Let's get this straight. The recent economic downturn did not occur overnight, the government has many analysts and economists working for them; surely they could have predicted that the country's revenues will fall earlier? Surely they could have planned to put a stop to overseas sponsorship earlier? But no, like what every 'responsible' government does, they sweep it under the rug.

Then, out the blue, JPA halts the scholarship. Mind you, not by an official announcement. No no, our government is far too busy for that. Let's just hope that our students will find out that the link to update their information is missing and they'll hopefully just shut up and continue on with their lives. Then when students enquire what is wrong let's all keep mum and hopefully some brave soul will come up with some non-committal answer to appease the students for awhile.

Then, earlier today, the Prime Minister announced in the revision of the 2016 budget that JPA will only sponsor students locally as opposed to both overseas and locally. I call out this act of blatant inefficient governance!

Hundreds of us took A-Levels for 18 to 24 months in the hope that the we'll be able to further our studies overseas. We took admission tests, e.g. IELTS, SAT, LNAT etc, ironically enough, paid for by a certain extent by the government (like our taxpayers). And now it'll all go to waste. We paid application fees for universities overseas, studied for our admission test and did it all while studying for our A-Levels exam.

And honestly, I'm sick of hearing that we should be understanding and grateful that the government is still sponsoring us locally. Well, you know when I should be understanding and grateful? 18 months ago, before I took my A-Levels; if the government had made their decision then. Heck, why would I need A-Levels when a year in matriculation could land you in the top universities in Malaysia? I could have chosen a different route and perhaps even be doing my undergraduate degree right now. But no, because of your incompetency and irresponsibility, we students are a year or more behind our peers and have to start anew again. We've wasted countless hours of sweat and tears just to see it go down the drain.

Yes, thanks Malaysia, thanks a bunch.

#
Written by Yen Low.

Bye Syd

等了两天刚刚收到newcastle UO。 颖灵说很快。因为上个星期我发了申请表格和文件之后24小时不到就收到interview invitation。到现在Mr WK大概还没交reference letter，provisional result也只是screenshot。再见雪梨。我想象不久后拥挤的IMU觉得很恐怖。

不知道会不会回到以前每天经过的地方。我想重新开始。

2
为什么欺骗我们的感情，你以为这1年半我过得很开心吗。

3
不知道要不要reject offers。好像在杀生。

转2

To those who still don't understand our situation and is still thinking why are we so demanding, pls read. Thank you in advance.

Yes, I know that it is a privilege and not a right. But that privilege is the reason of us choosing Bursary and A-Level over all the other choices and scholarship. It is something we can earn through efforts. We do not sit back with good grades and waiting for the scholarship to fall on our laps. Be mindful that to make ourselves entitled to the scholarship, the condition is that we must make it to the Top 20 Universities in the world.

Is it really that easy? You really think that Top 20 will accept anyone simply because of good grades? It is never the case. They are looking for all-rounders. They are looking for someone who can really contribute to the society. They are looking for someone who can achieve greatness. To get in those universities, we put in as much efforts as we can. What process we need to get through? UCAS, common app, admission tests, interview, SAT, ACT, BMAT, UKCAT, LNAT, ISAT, MAT, PAT, IELTS, TOFEL. If you find any of them easy, good for you. We took each and every of them really seriously. A simple target, to prove ourselves.

How many of us actually dream of studying in those top notch universities before being offered Bursary? At least I didn't. How many of us chose A-Level because of the chance of studying abroad? Well, I was.

We are not saying that getting the scholarship is our right. I am now just saying that the suspension of scholarship is putting us in a difficult condition. Holding an international qualification almost close the door to local public universities completely. You may ask what about private local universities? Frankly, not everyone can afford it, especially those critical courses. There are people thinking of switching course because of the sudden change. Why not try out other scholarship? Do you think there is enough for 700 of us?

It was a hope given to us. And now it is being smashed on the ground. If we were told that the scholarship will be suspended, I would never choose A-Level. I do not mind study locally to be honest. But it would be the case if I am not up to the standard of that university.

Letting the efforts of people getting into top 20 universities in the world go down the drain is not wise. ‪

#Written by Ng Wan Yi.

转

Most of us are facing this problem which concerns about our future, scholarship being suspended all of a sudden, after all the efforts put in for university application. We feel angry, furious, and most of all upset. This issue has actually affected our emotions a lot. We get demotivated. What's the point of studying so hard, getting an offer from top universities in the world when we don't have the funding?Ohh you can go and find your scholarship. True. There are scholarships out there. But for 700 students? Are you freakin kidding me?! How many of them actually sponsor for overseas universities? Is there even any scholarship for critical courses like medicine, pharmacy etc? You might think that it's no big deal, we shouldn't think of going overseas all the time. What's wrong with studying local right. Have you ever done any research, how many IPTA accepts a level? Even if they do, STPM and matrikulasi are always their priority. Local private universities? Ain't everybody has the money for that. We did not put on high hopes to study overseas. Before bursary, I did not even dare to dream studying abroad. But after all the hopes we were given, all the hard work, now you are throwing us to hell from heaven. Imagine. Those who get their unconditional offer, trying to fill in their form to confirm their offer, only to realise they are not sponsored. How inhumane this is!

Whatever the decision is, if it doesn't provide us a good path, we won't give up this easily. We are the future leaders of the country. I believe we have the capability to fight for ourselves. We don't have the power, neither do we have as much connections, but if we unite, our brains wouldn't lose to theirs. Let's all hope for the best, and if the results aren't satisfying, do not give up.


# Written by Min Hui, Taylor's College 

没有白天

你一定有感受过，失去一个人便是世界末日的感觉。现在我一点开心都感受不到。我希望我可以醒来，发现这只是一场玩得太认真的恶作剧。或者可以睡在一个没人认识我的地方，就算没醒来也不会有人察觉。我们都不重要，多一个不多，少一个不少。这样没有存在的意义。父母是彼此重要的人。我不是任何人重要的人。你可能没有感受过付出过的努力和计划全盘被打翻，一切重头开始的感觉，像罐子里沙掉在草地上。不想等了。等待是蹉跎光阴。能不能跟我说，这样难过的生活要过多久。那个人一点在乎都没有。以上。


小小声地 2.
她有你在身边。

没有下午

哥哥喜欢乱叫我的名，用叫我起床的语气。他喜欢拉我的头发，绑着马尾也可以拉。他喜欢摸我的头。刚才我问他是不是变态。他说我摸他3次他才摸我1次。他说我的发色和外面的枯草没两样。他说我有情绪病，所以不要买饼干的材料，我突然说不做怎么办。他骂我笨，因为我头脑简单的时候头脑简单。他说我再介意本地大学排名就什么都不用读了。好吧我不用读了。再见。

20.1.16

注定被抛弃的人，多努力都会被抛弃。

Crawling

I feel depressed. Every day I feel agitated. I tend to oversleep because I don’t know the purpose of being awake.  I can't figure out my future anymore. The pseudopatients in Rosenhan study claimed they heard voices: empty, hollow, thud. If schizophrenia can be faked, depression can’t unless you are a good actor. And no I don't need your words of comfort. 

You have brain, you can think.

Laughing fit. Crying fit. Which one have you had experienced? Tomorrow is Sunday. I shouldn't expect any email coming in. Everything is in chaos. We are going to have a meeting with JPA officer next week. I don't feel anything anymore. Can I have a longer vacation, with my future secured?

。

不要在一个人自杀后才说一堆于事无补的话，虚伪恶心自以为是。

2
我是乞讨者。我们是难民。没关系至少你的可爱能让我会心一笑。;)

3
我可以要一个很久的拥抱吗。

We are puppets aren’t we

从不怪自杀的人。我是一个在你面前崩溃和哭自杀的人。我不知道还有谁可以让我安心展露缺点。对于你走了我该何去何从的事，你从来不担心。自杀说多了，你会不以为意。时间长了我不在你也惯了。

我不幸运，从以前到现在。你不是我，所以不会明白。曾经想逃离，用最直接的方法。说了很多次，几乎成真，后来因为她改变主意什么也没变。貔貅姐姐说我是被迫靠自己的人。这种事情一笑而过就好了，说深了会哭。爸爸是个温暖的人，曾经你也是。哥哥是个可以让我笑得很疯的人，曾经你也是。到后来我哭得再歇斯底里你也不会心疼。我不介意我有困难时没人帮我，不介意不顺心时一个人面对。我介意你不帮，介意你让我一个人。

最近我在等待。我可以继续写小说吗。

12.1.16

Maybe you have never been in a situation where you work real hard but everything just doesn’t turn out as what you expect. If you want to be excited about tomorrow, be prepared to be feeling disappointed or let down, whatever you call it. I don’t know how to hide my emotions, pretending to be happy when I feel like crap, smiling to everyone when I so want to hide in a washroom and cry all my heart out. Perhaps you will never know what it’s like to have everything go against your wish, when you start not to believe in any positive mind theory. You don’t know what I went through and what I think how tomorrow will look like. Blame me for not studying enough. Blame me for not possessing any superior gene like them. Blame me for not waking up at 3am every day to study what I should. You can blame me all you want. I am willing to take all the blame in the world, if that can change what might happen to me tmr. 

即将的3周年

你不喜欢露齿而笑，那就继续微笑吧。J 跟你说，有人跟我说考不好可以留在本地，不代表我有条后路。因为这不是读A-level的理由。为我祈祷一次，好吗。那个白色蓝背forever love我送人了。今年我会好好努力，做该做的事情。不奢求和你一样，因为你注定跟别人不一样。你和ms Ida一样喜欢看non-fiction。如果有一天我写的不再是fiction，我再跟你说。如果有一天我终于能够衷心祝福你，我会告诉你。我不会把你放在心上，像从前一样。你会快乐。;)  我也会努力。 

一匹长长的布

不开心，不思进取。《天使》当初1个月4万。现在没有心情，什么都做不好。不想写。没有好写。令人惶恐的那天要到了。今天开始惶恐越来越多，有什么方法可以忘掉。好怕好怕。最坏的打算是纽西兰，把未来赌上一把。这次我会好好走。才第二天，366减1。

2

姐姐今年除夕没和我们呆到晚上了。她昨晚还和我睡，因为我们都不想换房。没有什么是不变的。

366天好长，没你好难过。