预先告别 在心里

 I will be sad. 

但是 你给了我很多温柔 它们都留在了我心里。

10 Aug 25

This is a good place to be in. 

I love our first home, our shared aesthetic values, our longing for peace and quiet, and you. 

It is nearing the 2nd week of August now.

I have moved to the Gold Coast for over 6 months now.

Things are getting better. 

I want to remember the good things. I have almost forgotten my past year as I have wanted to. For eg I almost forgot that we did not have the luxury of doing grocery shopping together last year. I almost forgot how my self-esteem was shattered unfairly by someone who (still) doesn't deserve his current position. 

可是，所以经历都是我的。我经历过的，都沉淀在我的生命里，变成一种成长。

Rawness and honesty

20 July 2025

Dear R,

As I say goodbye to the inpatient term here, I am also saying goodbye again to my Nambour inpatient year. It is a continuation of the journey.

I learned things from scratch there, from how to do a MHA leave form. I also received a lot of love from the people there during many of my tough times. That emotional comfort came from special people whom I won't easily meet again elsewhere. As a self-critical person, I always wonder if I deserve that, the gentleness, hugs and endless emotional support from those people. And again this year, I wonder if I deserve the trust from you and your validation of my effort and ability.

This year I'm working in a rather isolated office with just my intern. I am no longer a recipient of emotional support, in fact I may have to become one. I need to learn, and I am still learning, to process my own stress and emotional sensitivity. Sometimes I miss T and Em. Sometimes I miss our proactive social worker and OT. I miss the team leader and Num who would walk over to my side and give me a hug when they noticed I was different on a particular day.

But again, I need to grow up.

On my last day in Nambour, my then consultant announced to the team that I was growing up and would become a good registrar.

I could not wait to leave Nambour, as my black and white thinking wanted to leave my bad experiences behind. Sometime earlier this year I realised, there are good memories and people that I want to hold on to. I can't push everything away.

And even the bad experience, the process of working through my hatred, have become part of me.

No time will go wasted. Every little encounter, experience and feeling accumulates in our being.

Compare. We can't help but compare.
In comparison, grossly, I find this job easier than the other regs do from the stories they told me.

I then realised this is what I deserve.

I deserve enjoying this rotation, because I have had my hard time, I have learned and I still am learning.

I deserve kind, gentle and loving people, because I am one of them too.

I deserve trust, because I earn it myself.

 

This has somehow become my comfort working zone. I am also glad that there is an end to it, as the emotional burden and the stress of responsibility are real.

I'm ready to move on.

28 July 2025

Dear T,

This is week is going to be my last week in my inpatient rotation here at Gold Coast. As I say goodbye to the inpatient term here, I am also saying goodbye once again to my Nambour inpatient year.

I am getting better at my job every day because of the accumulation of my previous experience. When I first started working here I was already proficient with all the MHA paperwork. I remember how you sat beside me and taught me all the baby steps, from the simple LCT form to the specificities of the seclusion forms.

I miss you (and Emma and our lovely team leaders and all the others- always need to be careful to not leave anyone off the list) from time to time. I miss your hugs, your love, your chocolates and how you made me cry. While I may not easily meet another bunch of people like you easily again in the future, I will carry your love with me.

I will be doing a CCT job next term, and I feel excited about it. I hope you are doing well too.

Lots of love xxx

8 Aug 2025

Dear R,

Here is my long answer to how I found my first week.

Ppl said I would see hope in the community, but I saw the opposite in my first week.

I saw suffering from involuntary treatment.

It felt different from the inpatient ward. The ward is a controlled environment. Patients are acutely unwell, the answers and decisions are easy. We saw them getting better, and that was the end of the story.

On Friday I saw three patients. They are all unhappy depot patients. One patient needed security involvement when I broke the bad news. One patient became verbally abusive towards me. One patient had to say yes because of her mum and the MHA.

I always wonder if I could have done better. The case managers told me they don't think so.

I am not sure if I can do this every day.

I miss the thrill of seeing fast results.

I miss the sense of being in control.

And for the first time this year, I am looking forward to a week of night shifts as an escape.

I hope I can figure things out more and further soon, and learn to enjoy CCT. 

3 Aug 25

 "You will be fine, you will be with me again."