3 weeks at CYMHS minus 5 days

Dear R,

I am recovering from a respiratory viral illness. I was sick for more than a week, 1.5 weeks into this new term. While the persistence of this virus was unexpected, I was not surprised by the low point of my immunity. The first 1.5 weeks had overwhelmed me. 

I went to the 2nd Older Persons dinner. 6 months ago it was a welcome dinner, now it was a thank you dinner for me. I was actually happy to see V. I told her everything about my experience in CYMHS so far. I felt the oxytocin surge. I like her motherly advice and her sharing of her experience. I said there is no mental illness. She said it is about early intervention. She had asked me to keep an open mind, I might like it. She had liked it too but it is about whether it is what you want to do for the rest of your life. I am unsure of what I want to do for the rest of my life yet. The dinner was great. I did like some parts of the Older Persons, and being part of this consultant/registrar group. V gave me a goodbye hug. 

I find myself always look back and paint my memories of previous rotations in rosier picture. I wanted to learn something new in Old Age psychiatry and I did. Now I should learn something new in my next 6 months as well. I do not feel as keen. The feeling of fear, the lack of environmental consistency and comfort has drowned my intellectual curiosity. And I miss your insightful supervisions. 

(In the moments I blabbered my uncensored thoughts about my new term to V and laughed together with her, I realised I have made it, in making all days counted without you. This new term is difficult for me in a few ways. I will make the best out of it this time too. Working with different consultant, working in different teams, finding different ways. I think I started off quite well clinically- thanks to my Adult and Older Person CCT experience.)

Looking backward

Dear R,

V has almost always been portrayed as an antagonist in all my previous writing. It is true that I had been feeling oppressed by her way. 2 weeks out of Older Persons now, as always, in retrospect, in another brand new environment, I noticed what she has taught me, what changes she has made in me, how she has shaped me in some ways, ways that would be useful in my career lifelong. Clinical (or personal) maturity, boundaries, assertiveness, power balance, "did you take a deep breath first" (before I presented my emotional self to my colleagues) and the clinical hard facts she taught me. A label of being supportive can be loosely attached to someone, but V is the real supportive consultant to the level of baby steps (this is when it can get too much). I always learned a lot from her supervision too and in our CBDs. I miss some of the things she gives.   

Susan is a good training supervisor. She had asked me to keep an open mind and ask a lot of questions. I will take the advice. She listed clinical benefits of home visits to me at the start of my Older Person term. I always dread change. 

I will learn something from each person, each team, each place. Thank you for this advice too.

飘着细雨的晚上 四菜三饭

第二次和Hoiyan吃饭。她今年来黄金海岸工作。我喜欢看着她 passionately聊她的工作，让我看见赤裸裸的热爱。她是个认真工作和生活的人，也是个真诚和善良的人。我对真诚善良的人有这份直觉。所以才愿意和她spend time，我这种对于社交觉得很懒散和费劲的人。我也觉得，可能是命运，把一群相似的人带到一起了。我昨晚偷偷看回她很久以前脸书的照片（因为觉得我其实连她的背景都不清楚，大学也没同班过，突然好奇她以前的朋友是谁），好像看见我自己。在一座城市，一间中学，我们是那里“厉害读书的人”，我们心里有很尊敬的老师或者我们被老师宠爱。我们努力读书，上大学，我们实现心里的愿望，我们一步一步都努力认真。后来大学把这样的人都混在一起了。我在A-level时就开始迷失自己，抓不到自己的self-identity，还看见那些和我一样“成绩好”的人，她们有很多和我不一样，比我更好的地方。我浑浑噩噩往前走，带着困惑和自卑。我们来到了这里。我们各自来到了这里，各自靠着别人的help and support。人终究还是群体动物。我并不是一个人来到这里的，literally and metaphorically。我还没有遇到一个，我觉得我和她很像的朋友。我总有这样的孤单，直到有一天我不再care这份twinship，不再羡慕别人有闺蜜。我知道有人会在我需要的时候给我帮忙，我知道我也可以给一些人这样的温暖，我知道有人我愿意和她坐下来好好吃饭，聊一场开心舒服的天。或许这样，一直都够了。也走着走着，慢慢把自卑留在了这条路上的某一个转角，变成一个我小时候幻想中的大人。当我一个人不需要GPS开车在这里，看着让我觉得平静的道路和景色，我会突然有这种感觉，feeling grown up and belonged. 

Pushed into sea

Dear R,

I'm not having a good time. I'm unsure how things will unfold. I'm unsure how I can juggle things well. There are many things I need and want to learn, yet I feel that I'm not learning enough - the speed and the amount of it.

My week 2 in CYMHS became only half a week as I caught a bug again. It is all too much for me, my mind and my body. Too many new faces, new names and their roles. Too many teams, 3 or 4. New places, new directions, new right or left. I do not like the 0.5 + 0.5 split. I do not like to be at different place every day. I do not like feeling as if I'm needed everywhere (at the same time knowing full well I'm so replaceable).

I hope someone can guide me so I can learn well in CYMHS. I hope I can learn a lot of things about eating disorders, not be deterred by them anymore in the future, and see hope too. I hope I can unlock new skills in my assessment. I hope I can deal with family members gracefully and confidently .

I hope this time, it will be another good 6 months, without you, on my own, with my other little angels.

And people, how critical they might be, will slowly learn and see the good in me.

Thank you for giving me faith in myself. 

Sarah, a psychologist who happened to sit besides me in the Eating Disorder office, told me I am only one person, and that I shouldn't expect myself to know all the things already when I have just started. She said it's only 6 months, if I like it great, if I don't then I am not coming back. She is kind. She made things sound easy. I guess these are what you would share with me too. 

I know, things can't stay the same forever. I can't be stuck in the same scene in the same particular year. I can't replay the story over and over. I need to move on (and I have, and I am.)

First week in CYMHS

Dear R,

Now my consultant K is also a medical director. My supervision was totally forgotten though I took chance to ask one important burning question. My first week was not hectic. I felt exhausted every day. I slept right away after dinner every night. Every day was a different day. I am working across Paeds CL (+ED cover), Eating Disorder across 3 different sites. Finding my way and directions- literally- every day for the past 5 days- was exhausting enough. The next thing is getting to know another working and (human & clinical) management style of another consultant. The next thing is getting to know the new clinical stuff and of course all the other clinician colleagues (and medical paediatric colleagues. The number of new faces and name I encountered this week is none like before). I was glad I shared a moment of small catch up with Eric who told me it felt like first day at school, a much-needed twinship. Overall I felt quite lost this week, I felt like an orphan without a real guide in front of me; at the same time I felt freedom (huge change from the previous micromanagement) which I will treasure once I get familiarity in this field. I remember very clearly I sort of told you I missed inpatient ward when I first started CCT. Now I miss CCT and adult psychiatry. I am afraid that I will forget the 'real psychiatry'. But what is real psychiatry? It is about medications first from my view, then the psychological view. I am unsure if I will like CYMHS. I definitely do not regret Old Age Psychiatry. More in retrospect, I value it greatly. And in retrospect again, I learn something too from the team instability and disorganisation. We learn from negative examples too.