Thank you 2025 for the good time too.

D先生说time flies。

我说年头我还在准备college interview。很快我就fully immersed into the training。来了新环境，需要适应的有很多，但都一切顺利。一切顺利，是因为遇到kind peers，也因为我去年有了一年PHO inpatient experience, clinical work本身不太需要适应，只需要适应new system and having an intern。记得当初让我很开心的是，我一和他见面就知道了他是个好人的consultant。

工作挺好挺开心。很主要是因为遇到好老板，我也很喜欢，很欣赏的老板。我今年也把很多心思都花在工作上。我做了很多CBDs（起初纯粹为了fulfill EPA，年尾觉得我从中也学习了很多，也因为老板每次和我认真讨论，让我有所学习）。下班也在写case formulation，和plan着我的EPA。

去年尾开始看房，看到今年3月买房成功。年中几个月都在忙房子的事情。我很多事情都不是很懂，这种时候很感激神队友。

今年我们还是LDR。但今年好多了。距离只差开车1小时。他租了2 bedroom townhouse，后来我们买房了，我也开始有属于自己的空间。

有了自己的空间，quality of life和inner peace提升很多。我果然还是个hypersensitive的人。

每次上班听人说什么weekend plan。我和D先生的周末都很简单。Lunch and grocery shopping都会花了大半天。以前在塔州比较常travel，那时没有太多现实barrier and burden。来到了QLD才真实知道塔州的美丽。

但是我挺喜欢黄金海岸。虽然塔州还是最美丽和平静的地方，还有我们都想念的hursey seafood。挺喜欢黄金海岸，我们都喜欢小城市，喜欢这里去哪都方面，也有不错的亚洲食物。我喜欢海边，但不像身边的白人是真的很beach person，可能这点对我不太relevant。但还是喜欢可以看海的感觉。

虽然不是每天都是happy day，但今年是很开心的一年。

工作很开心（谢谢我的好老板），学习很 fulfilling，虽然常常心里还是有anxiety。

生活很平静，爱情也是，和甜甜的。

2

也好像是我成熟的记忆里，最幸福的一年。

29岁，很多事情都可以自己决定和自己扛了。

谢谢我的际遇，让我可以过到想要的生活。

回想teenage and uni years觉得当初不容易（也是因为有人翻起我2016的blog post 我看见自己曾经绝望的文字）。

但是 我们都会长大。然后跟从前的自己说，life is okay. You are okay.

The last time.

Dear R,

I have been well. I have been thinking about my interviewing skills after my OCA with you. I was thinking maybe I have done it the wrong way all the while, in the community, but my patients must have been forgiving. I tried slightly different way in taking history. I did OCA with Sam (because I run into him every day). I joined Hugh's reviews because my Weds morning lectures were put on paused for the holidays. It was good. He will take developmental history every time. 

CCT has been a good learning experience for me. I think an inpatient and a CCT term this year is a good combination for me. Although it was not what I expected initially, I was overwhelmed by the flooding script jobs and having to work with many people and the frequent interruption of my work. I had to get used to it, and I found out that everyone is lovely and kind. I am glad I have learned to see patients in the clinic, to think about the plans; and when I discussed patients with consultant (especially with Sanop in the initial phase, I discussed many pts with him) I learned something too.  

Working with different consultants in Red Team is a kind of learning as well. Hugh is easy going. I know more Red patients. Sometimes in Case Review I needed to contribute to the discussion, because he didn't know the patients. He often agreed with my plans. It made me feel that I have learned something, and I can work in CCT competently. 

I rarely had direct clinical time with you. I did not see many Yellow patients either. But I have learned from weekly supervision with you, surprisingly they are helpful in my day to day work.

This term has exposed me for the first time the clinical world outside the hospital- the ward and the ED. I am glad I had this rotation, although many people have told me that it was not designed for stage 1 trainees. I think I have managed it well. I became less obsessive or ruminative about the patients whom I have seen after many weeks. I learned to enjoy it halfway; I very slowly learned the essence of it. 

Although I am going ahead (of course) with my planned exit in January, my 1 week of night shifts and 3 weeks of leaves. I thought I need some time off, I better pick the best time. I always dread the moment of returning to CCT from a week of night shifts to piling scripts jobs, MHRT reports and emails to read. And I have dreaded the workplace after you left. 

But I am doing okay. Afterhours shifts still will stress me out. And heading into a new rotation and unknown still will give me anxiety rather than excitement. I will be fine. 

I have almost forgotten that January this year, I was still stressing about the college interview. Now I am at the end of my Stage 1. I have learned and grown unknowingly, in this one year. 

Thank you for the good time.

And happy new year. 

2025年读过的书

1) How does it feel- Sophie Kinsella
2) The Answer is No- Fredrik Backman, translated by Elizabeth Denoma❤
3) Wedding people- Alison Espach
4) I decided to live as me- Kim Suhyun, translated by Anton Hur
5) Four Seasons in Japan- Nick Bradley
6) Letters from the Ginza Shihoda Stationery Shop- Kenji Ueda, translated by Emily Balistrieri
7) The Woman in the Purple Skirt- Natsuko Mamura, translated by Lucy North
8) Normal People- Sally Rooney
9) The Lantern of Lost Memories- Sanaka Hiiragi, translated by Jesse Kirkwood ❤
10) Yeonnam-Dong’s Smiley Laundromat- Kim Jiyun, translated by Shanna Tan
11) The convenience store by the sea- Sonoko Macida, translated by Bruno Navasky❤
12) The Full Moon Coffee Shop- Mai Mochizuki, translated by Jesse Kirkwood ❤
13) To the Moon- Jang Ryujin, translated by Sean Lin Halbert ❤
14) Lonely Castle in the Mirror- Mizuki Tsujimura, translated by Philip Gabriel ❤
15) Lost Souls Meet Under a Full Moon- Mizuki Tsujimura, translated by Yuki Tejima ❤
16) How to Hold Someone in Your Heart- Mizuki Tsujimura, translated by Yuki Tejima
17) A Perfect Day to Be Alone- Nanae Anoyama, translated by Jesse Kirkwood
18) Days at the Torunka Café- Satoshi Yagisame, translated by Eric Ozawa
19) The Restaurant of Lost Recipe- Hisashi Kashiwai
20) Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine- 大概弃读
21) Every day I read- Hwang Bo-Reun, translated by Shanna Tan- 正在读。

继续日韩的一年。
R问过我喜欢看什么书。我说喜欢日韩书，因为文字和故事简单。
有时读了太多，其实故事确切在说什么，转头就忘了。
好像只是纯粹喜欢阅读时那个moment。
放工吃饭时读的书。

今年读过的都挺好，毕竟都是热门书。
不热门都不会被翻译成英文。

最喜欢<To the Moon>

"This was my twenty-ninth year on this planet, but each year I still experienced something for the first time."

2
年头第一本读的How does it feel，Sophie Kinsella写她的脑癌故事。
年尾她就去世了。

20 Dec

你知道我不舍 你知道我在意 你知道我会想念你

我比我想象中的还难过

走到这里 我更加明白了 你的boundaries 是对我好。

因为你明明也有感情。

你带我走过inpatient。

你帮我transition into CCT, practically and intellectually。

我当然会想念你。

但我要怎样move on。

最后一天 你帮我切蛋糕给大家。

最后一天 离别的客套话我们都没说。

你如常和我说再见。你站在我的office门边，叫我的名字说再见。我看着你笑了，不是礼貌的那种微笑。你也笑了，和我带着同样情绪地看着我笑。

我们都知道，这是最后一次。

沉默几秒后，你轻轻说it's nice working with you。我点头。我心里真的很喜欢，我们一起工作的时光，真的很喜欢。

你说good luck。每次我安静的时候，你都负责打破沉默。我说you too，真诚地，你也看见。

然后你对Anna也说good luck。然后你走去和其他人打招呼和说good luck。然后你离开了SHP，那个你问我知不知道停车场在哪里，那个你带着我和medical director and clinical director打招呼，那个你教我如何run clozapine and CCT clinic的地方。

我们都有各自的路要走。每次相遇的结局是给对方祝福。

谢谢你曾经来过并且认真地停留，点亮了我的2025年，点缀了我的29岁。

这一年，遇见你，我好幸运，好幸运。

18 Dec 2025

I will be okay.

And you said life moves on. 

-ve emotions dump

I was naïve to think that CCT is just about seeing patients.

There was quite a long period time when my mind was running constantly even when I wasn’t at work and when I felt that my obsessiveness was enlarged by CCT. It was also that period of time when I felt that it was ridiculous of me to get the burnt-out like feeling from the non-clinical work of those endless script jobs and constant non-urgent interruption from anyone when I was thinking or halfway doing something. I was also thinking every day whether I have done good enough job or if I have done something not right. 

I fell sick for a few days. I returned to work to meet a consultant who is still giving me unpleasant feelings (which Anna who is always reasonable, mature and quite honest doesn’t share). Case managers who couldn’t reach him or didn’t get satisfiable plan from him turned to me. People who didn’t get his response from emails started to include and address me in another emails. I had to take a break, by taking up a week of Twilight shifts. Turned out it wasn’t a break. When I was not physically at CCT, the emails still came non-stop (and I was at fault by obsessively checking them frequently when I wasn’t even at work) and clinically unimportant jobs still are piling up. I still couldn’t run away from the consultant as I had to ring him at the start of one of my shifts and he hung me up after 1 second of ring (which angered me a lot). I still have to smile at him and answered his how are you. I figured out a suitable way to reach him and to discuss plans with him. I decided to leave it aside.

Things felt reset after my Twilight week. Script jobs get lesser. Case managers are still lovely. I become more familiar and confident with my clinical work.

But then I recently, after my OCA, realised perhaps a bit too late that I might have been doing my community interview the wrong way all the while. That could explain why I always feel more comfortable in seeing acute patients needing admission. Last week we received the new term allocation. I felt left behind when seeing my peers getting CL and CHYMS terms. Am I left behind? I was judged as less adequate based my imperfect performance in the interview.  Am I inadequate? Although I know things will turn out fine somehow,  I can’t help but feeling lost.

This term is ending quicker for me. I feel guilty when I heard people saying there wont be a reg clinic in January (and at the same time knowing I can’t be that important, we are replaceable, and I was reminded by the system that I was not ranked into top 10? I didn’t know I have to be in the top 10). I feel guilty because I made the choice to want to end this quicker. I am unsure if I have learned enough. How can I be better? Or maybe I just need some peace and control. 

Hi Dec 25 -ve rambling

I have been preparing for exam. I tend to do things intensively, at last minute. These last few months is my last minute. Sometimes I feel suffocated. Sometimes I feel that I am still not good enough for this exam and I need to work harder. People are asking how my weekend was on a Monday morning. I told them I had a boring weekend. Could be because I didnt get to see D over the weekend. And could be because of my upcoming Friday Twilight. I will be alright, I guess. I told Anna I am also thinking about my last 3 supervision sessions with R. The case managers are aware that I won't be here in January actually. I feel guilty about it. I also don't feel like I am getting holidays. I have not made plans to go anywhere. I will be preoccupied by my upcoming exam. I feel bad, for wanting to run away, for feeling not belonged completely or not wanting to be. Have I learned something, over the 4-5 months, have I gained something, have I become better in some ways. 

And I feel guilty, for feeling or predicting that I can't tolerate the workplace after R leaves. And being left with a feeling of disgust towards a superior I can't respect. (but I need to take my leaves, and I smartly chose the best time for myself, right)