In reverie and fantasy

Dear R, 

I had always wanted to ask, how does the deep reason of why we want to do psychiatry matter in our interactions with patients. How does our own anxiety, depression or narcissism matter? I found the answers in Gabbard Basic Text. You are right that it is an easy read (your comments are always accurate), unlike Sims which reads like an ancient text. You are right that it is everything you talked to me about in our supervisions. You have taught me the essence of psychodynamic theory. You have probably digested several different texts repeatedly, transformed them into your own understanding, applied it in your daily practice, and conveyed what you can to me within the limit of my knowledge. After reading Gabbard and then your written case, I am again in awe of your passion for psychodynamics not just in your mind but in practice with your graceful but not fluffily empty skill in weaving them into the biological core of psychiatry. While I am thinking to write that I am uncertain if I will grow to love psychodynamics as much as you do, I question my all-or-nothing idealisation of you and the introjection/identification of your traits that could possibly blind me to my own self, because clearly we are different persons despite our few similarities, as much as how I will still place you at an irreplaceable spot. During the reading I was reminded of the last day of our working together. You used an analogy of this being like a termination which I will learn more when I start doing psychotherapy. I used our last supervision to do another CBD to your un-expectation.  

"The fantasy of the ever-available therapist has to be mourned. The reality that our relationships are ultimately transient must also be faced." and I always know that. But the more I read the text, or the more I attempt writing psychodynamic formulation at work, the deeper your influence prints in my thinking, doing and being. I always take time to warm up, to trust and to move on. This time I might need 4 years.