2 nights

Dear R, 

I imagine you would ask, how's your nights. 

I did two nights the last weekend. My first night was a bit crazy, my 2nd night was good (no referral from ED!). 

There was an overnight seclusion, which was ongoing until my 2nd morning. I had to do a Reduction and Elimination Plan midnight (which reminded me of the few times I had to do R&E plan in my inpatient time; and the time you showed me the way to track down the previous R&E plan patiently).

My last two stretches of twilight/nights were a sort of escape from CCT for me- they turned out to be insanely hectic and I still have the lingering dread. Escape. As an unhealthy avoidance, I am now thinking about escape again from Older Persons (this time for an entirely different reason), but my previous on-call experience made me think twice. On reflection, now that I have stepped out of the CCT role, I do treasure my time in CCT. I have such realisation when I was doing the on-call shifts. The accumulation of clinical experience, the different exposure and different learning, made me a better and more competent doctor. And now Older Persons too. I need to keep reminding myself the reason I chose it in the first place. 

In my nights, I found myself feeling more independent and confident. I remember you said it all takes time and practice, when I once raised a similar question in our supervision. I also remember me telling you that confidence needs to come from within myself. I am starting to feel it now. After you left, this is what I have to be, in front of the other consultants. There is no more wings that I can hide under, no more gentle understanding. I need to stand up for myself, voice my opinions, show them my capability. 

And to be a leader, is what you were trying to teach me. To be a good leader, is what I had been learning from you. Thank you for showing me your gentle but powerful leadership. I often felt that emerging skill in myself, particularly when I was doing night time seclusion reviews, where a group of security guards and nurses were waiting for my instructions.

My knowledge and clinical instinct- I often need time to think alone, and decide on the plans. I always am proud of myself when I successfully requested for medical admission, after my psychiatry review. To do that, I have to take a bit of medical history myself, look at the bloods workup, and list down the medical issues so that ED and medical team can take it seriously. 

My post-night Sunday was not bad. I woke up at lunchtime to have lunch and do grocery shopping with D. I came home and slept again.

And no, I don't quite look forward to my next night shifts.    

2
I really do miss you，当我经过我们曾经一起走过的病房走廊，经过那台你说see you by the piano的那台钢琴，经过我们第一次supervision的会议室，经过那个走廊转角，右边是我曾经坐过6个月和你随意出入的inpatient office。

当我看见日出的阳光照入PICU，我看见我们每天早上一起巡房的身影，看见你，看见我，看见我们乖乖的intern。我恍惚了几秒。物是人非，说的就是这样的感受。But life moves on，你说。你说给自己听，也说给我听。