Fantasy

Dear R, 

I am unsure how to describe my week now. 

I was not real busy, but I was busy spending time travelling across sites/carrying a mobile clinic with me/modifying my documentation including the sequence of my MSE and how lengthy my impression should be into my new consultant V's preferred style. 

That might be the hardest part for me, having to duplicate her way, having to discard my way which also means sacrificing a bit of my usual efficiency. 

I cried at work on Tuesday secretly (which was found out by a cleaner who offered me genuine kindness). I have been naive and protected for enough years. This is a complicated world and there are some situations that I need to learn to read, something under the power imbalance that I need to put up with. 

Our team leader repeatedly reassured me that I will enjoy this rotation and we have a good team. I believe I will enjoy this rotation, if I can gain something every day with breathing space and resumed sense of control.

Having a good team is something I always feel grateful for, as this is completely luck dependent. Working in CCT last year has shown me I can work nicely and happily with two teams of case managers and the happiness is genuine. And I can work with people, work in a team, and be a mini leader. 

It has become more apparent my sensory and emotional sensitivity is something I have no control over. When I feel upset, I feel upset, and it follows me home even after I tell my mind to stop. What is true for most people might not be true for me. For eg, I don't foresee myself falling in love with doing home visit 'because it is fun going out'. The physical exhaustion impacts me more (although yes the experience is good, and doing home visits for elderly frail patients feels meaningful).  I need to find my peace and joy at work, and they are gonna be in different way from last year.

Some good feeling I had this week, or positive update from my entry last week is that I had chance to get my quiet lunch back at my usual coffee spot in SHP :) I didn't realise it will become a precious spot for me when I was working in CCT. I also walked past my secret lunch spot in the hospital on Monday and thought of my busy yet happy inpatient time with you. 

It has all become memory which I stored away in a sweet spot. I am walking on a new journey. I might grow into a different person. I might not be naive anymore. I can't be abrupt and overtly emotional anymore. I need to learn to read the hidden rules of the world. Is this part of growing up, to becoming a consultant or a leader? Just like how you have patiently explained to me the reasons I need to learn to be firm and assertive, that is to not feel eaten up and miserable. I have felt that, and I guess, that might be what you have gone through in the past. 

Might be time to shed the fantasy.