Another first week

Dear R,

I was thinking a bit too much. No one now will ask me how I am doing every week or how I find my first week or how I am liking Older Persons.

Things, people and how the place operates are different. They are all too different that I have been completely exhausted by the end of each day every day for 5 days, even though the maximum number of patients I saw in a day was two.  

I have turned PGY5 this year. This will be my third year of regging. I'm dragging more experience with me, I no longer feel the imposter syndrome, but this could be the most exhausting first week for me in the past few years.

I feel more at ease around (albeit new) people. I have more than basic skills for my job. This hospital and the training system is not new to me now. I have done inpatient and CCT. You have told me I am good. I have good time management.

It is always the little adjustments and change. You told me it is always good and better to be honest. I did and it worked I guess. People are understanding, like you said. My anxiety about change and new everything, my need for a sense of control, and quiet.

No one will teach me how to find my ways now.

After you left, I realised I'm a different person in front of anyone else. I now remember that I need to be confident and I have good reason to be. I remembered your encouraging nod when you were waiting for me to answer questions, when I was in a different physical space, sitting in front of another consultant.

My first week was chaotic, that was not just my perception.

I am trying to establish my new routine and structure amidst the uncontrollable home visit environment, my lack of VPN access, the travel, the time and energy that go with it, the many morning meetings, the travel and carrying mobile clinic with me and the inexistent quiet spot.

I need to get back my quiet lunch break (although connecting with people and sharing our feelings and thoughts with each other are good sometimes). I need to think and type my notes in a quiet spot. I need to go home on time, every day.

I wonder if I really miss CCT or just the sense of familiarity, and safety with your presence (as I also remember feeling out of place during my first month in CCT). I did really miss the clear cut clinic time and then Case Review next, the predictable days. 

You are right that Older Persons is less clinically hectic, and is quite similar to CCT.

My mailbox stops flooding. No more scripts jobs that can get too much. No more 5 MHRT reports to be edited in a day. Case managers don't need to run after me almost all the time for random jobs or to solve sudden clinical concerns (in retrospect I see that I have managed it all so well in CCT).

I have new things to learn. New EPAs. New patient population. New set of clinical picture to be set into my pattern recognition. 

New boss to adjust to. New style. Learning to work with different consultants is a kind of learning too.

I want to learn more, as always, as you know.

I hope I can find my new pace soon. I learn much better in a state of peace.

 

Thank you for reminding me that I need to work with different consultants. I have been too comfortable working with you.

谢谢你 完好平安地 把我送入stage 2.

这条路 可能不容易 可能会让我愈感压力

但是 我会好好地一步步往前走

谢谢你给过我温柔和保护 它们变成了我的底气

I will be fine.

2

And well, as I was reading back what I have written, I realised I still miss you. 

I still miss you. You said it is tough. You are always right. But this is so much tougher than I thought. 

I know, life moves on.