Random work reflection

In an attempt to prove my psychological hypothesis, I made serious effort in getting personal history from the patient on Friday. At the end she cried. Somehow I was flustered too and said sorry for making you cry, for a few times. I mentioned this to V, she said a big no to me. I then realised I did not sit in with uncomfortable affect in the room. I should not have apologised to the patient. We all need to learn to face repressed emotions.

29 May, 2026

Dear R, 

I am never a person who drafts a text or email. I surprised myself by doing it, drafting a text a few days ahead, a planned text. My deliberate consciousness is needed to keep my unconscious emotions or irrelevant thoughts from showing. They are mine to process. I then texted you the last thank you today. We keep ourselves within the boundaries more so after the end.  

I was thinking there are just 2 more months until the end of this rotation. Some things made me dislike this rotation. But I am also thinking there are still so much more that I want to learn, so much more modules and reading that I meant to do but somehow did not find time or motivation to. 

V being an untrusting person did not believe all those impression or formulation that I included in my documentations were of my own thinking (and feeling) and writing. I should have felt offended but I did not. Working with her for 4 months now has desensitised me in this way. I thank her for training me to not rely on external validation any longer. Her view or perspective doesn't prove my ability and worth. Being as matter of fact as I can with her, our working relationship is devoid of any personal emotion. A strict but fair and not prejudiced/unkind consultant and a responsible, diligent registrar who never bothers to please anyone. I am learning her strengths still and absorbing her feedback. I admire her medication management skill, her assertiveness in swapping medication and setting boundaries in reviews. 

I just came back from 1-week tropical holidays recently. My husband is busy preparing for his clinical exam. My love for Japanese literature rekindles as I read physical books instead of ebooks on Kindle. I sort of set aside the other big training assessment requirement for now, after the MCQ. But I feel that some things can never get done, for eg I want to read Stahls, Nancy McWilliam and the bigger book of Gabbard.

I am quite happy to not start psychotherapy first. I am unsure why I can't feel ready for it.

MEQ is the next thing I want to do and pass.  

Alright, quite an incoherent piece.

Talk next time. 

Monday 0800-1800h and the rest

Dear R,

I am being consumed, by the accumulation of seemingly unimportant events and interactions. The discomfort I can't put word to, seep into my thoughts and weigh down my brain. It feels heavy. 

I need to find myself and assert my position. I need to protect my boundaries. I need to not be blinded by the mask of niceness and pleasantness of the others, and only look at the clinical capability itself. I am learning that I do not need to please others. I do not need to be afraid of not being liked. Being liked or not is a projection of the others and not the true reflection of myself. The same can be said to certain comments made by V. I respect her experience but I don't have to agree with all of her views. 

I just did a Public Holiday shift today. It was not too bad. I saw a kid and facilitated a risky discharge. The EPS office was buzzing as usual. But people respect my need for silence. I always sit at the corner seat in silence. But they know I am listening. They know I can do my job. And maybe, I don't even have to care whether they know it or not. I just need to do my job, be myself and stay grounded.  

-ve cognitive dump

I hope this all will end soon. 

I don't like being trapped in the car with emotions or silence that the other person can't tolerate.

I don't like not being at a fixed place each and every day. 

I don't like this. I don't like seeing a patient whose physical health is much more of a problem than mental health, and seeing him every month, more frequently than his GP will see him. 

I want to work with more competent case managers, or clinicians when I am on call. But I can't choose who I am going to work with. How should I carry myself?

2
Yesterday I felt very angry as I was dictated by an NDIS coordinator for the 2nd time on how to write a medical supporting letter. I refuse to hide or alter any diagnosis without clinical ground. I wrote the letter from an objective clinical view and no one should manipulate me into misconstruing a clinical picture of a patient for the purpose of funding. If the government decides to change the whole funding system, the inescapable can't be avoided. My job is to provide my medical opinion. I can't control how a NDIS coordinator manages the fund (nor am I interested in what they do with the it behind the blind). No irrelevant party should wrongly influence how I do my job either. This is the difference between an AI generated letter vs a doctor's letter. I refuse to write anything other than the truth within my knowledge.