July 26, and a memory anchor

Dear R, 

It has been a year. A year since my first OCA, since my being very upset with a seclusion, since mentally preparing to end my first rotation and move on to the next. I feel like a different person now, though nothing visible has changed on surface.

(Eventually I did not do a 2nd OCA this term, even though I was thinking seriously about it- because of many things- because I have a more important pending WBA, because V has been busy, because she was thinking about another person's iOCA, because I am tired of being micro-evaluated by her, because yeah I need to do another BPSD WBA)

I was not very nervous about starting an inpatient term in GCUH, because although it was my first term in training, it was technically my third inpatient term in a row in my working life. 

I was not very nervous about starting my 2nd term in CCT, because I naively thought nothing could be worse than inpatient work, nothing stressful can happen in the community, my life should be much more relaxed, and comfortingly in truth- you would be there. 

I was only slightly nervous about working in Older Persons community, because I thought it should be very similar to CCT work, because an experienced clinician told me the workload would be piece of cake for me, because the previous registrar told me I would love working with the team. Although I quickly learned that those advice should only have been taken with a pinch of salt, as my real life experience did not reflect the pleasantness of the words, those facts if looked at in isolation, still stand true. If I were to give this rotation a brief comment, it would be 'it was okay'. I do not regret it, but I will not return to work in this team composition; I did enjoy the clinical work (which was a surprise, I thought I'd dislike it), but I do not enjoy it enough for me to imagine if I might like Older Persons one day if I were to do the clinical work with another consultant in a mature team environment. (And V, I must comment on the consultant every time as that is an important element of our rotation- I can't say l learned a lot from her, but I did learn some things from her. And I have learned something specific that only she can give.)

Now I feel daunted. It is the unknown, unfamiliarity and lacking of specific knowledge and skills, the combination of CYMHS plus CL plus eating disorder, an ecosystem of its own plus the lack of even superficial pleasant words from the existing registrar (I do appreciate all sort of honesty even in subtle form). 

1.5 weeks more. I feel unsure, unprepared, wanting to move on (can't wait to leave actually) but feeling unexcited for the new adventure. I hope I can tell you good stories about it next time.