2am after a working Friday

V's own anxiety penetrates her every action and instruction, it drives me crazy. 

Dealing with my own anxiety and obsessiveness is difficult enough. I wonder how I can put a stop to this. I need real psychological work life balance. 

I woke up midnight, after sleeping from 8.30pm to 12am. My mind couldn't quite stop. I received a text from my friend, whose wedding I am attending in 4 days. She said she forgot to tell me the dress code, it is pastel but I am free to wear anything I like. She asked if my husband passed his clinical exam. The answer is no.  I realised properly I really am not socially allowed to wear a cream or white mini dress to a wedding (my wardrobe has boring colour). I suddenly need to shop for a dress over the weekend (and what about my shoes). I also realised we have been putting our lives on hold, getting ready for his exam. Just like how we always do, as if life only resumes after we finish an assessment. Why has my psychological life revolved around his exams as well? I too feel the disappointment. I want him to be happy and be okay with the failure. Before his sleep tonight, I showed him a pregnancy photo on Instagram and told him I find pregnancy disgusting. He said he dislikes the linea alba. Me too. I said I hope we can continue living such simple life. Continue on with our training as long as it practically takes, without having to worry about the end point, how quick or timely it should be completed, as if there is another goal that can only be achieved after we become consultants which in this unspoken case is pregnancy, childbirth and childrearing for the rest of our lives. If I can be selfish, I do not wish to have a child. 

So I woke up midnight feeling hungry. I ate my comfort biscuits. I binge-ate prawn crackers. I started reading a new novel at the same time. I find reading easy fiction regulating. I started to feel calm. And I keep repeating this to myself- what would R suggest in this case? He would probably agree with me, and say it is fine, the patient can see her cardiologist on Wednesday; or it is fine, we have given enough education to the patient, there is no medical emergency here, she should see her GP. And what can I do over the weekend? I should enjoy my weekend.