Post my October Twilight week

Dear R,

This stretch of twilight is my one of my most stressful shifts this year. Every evening when I came to work, I wished I could go home already. It was testing my decision making, problem solving, leadership, coordination, stress management skills, and my clinical skill has become a basic bread and butter in the background. I still couldn't do the former well. But I always learn something, after every on-call shift. You told me just recently that I shouldn't expect myself to be competent in every aspect as a first-year trainee. I still couldn't fathom the real meaning behind those words. As unlike my other previous consultants, you didn't say to me directly that I am too harsh on myself. 

I meant to take a break from my day job for a week. But I realised I still couldn't. I have been obsessively checking my email too frequently when I wasn't at work. I am unsure why my inbox is flooded with more emails in CCT or is this just my biased perception. I am worried about those unfinished accumulating jobs that will be flooding onto me overwhelmingly once I return to my usual job the next Monday. I am sure they will. I couldn't stop myself from replying to some of the emails to get some things sorted. And they are not even clinically relevant. Too much admin job. And I felt alone in Red Team. 

I also realised I can't escape from what/who I dislike. I was faced with the truth of it on Friday. I had to call the person I dislike for urgent clinical clarification (and he hung me up at 1 second? Isn't this worse than our clinic patients who DNA, at least some of them picked up my calls at first ring). I had to hunt for him, just as usual. I still had to do my job. After a few moments of feeling the obvious rejection, I have found, from my experience of working with that person, that I am doing my best at my job, because of who I am and who I want to be, and not because of a need to impress anyone. That was also the first time I realised I can live without external validation, and still believe I am not only good enough, but good. 

而那是因为过去一年半累积的经验成长，也因为你给我的底气。