Still in draft

Dear diary,

Queenstown or South NZ as a whole, 和传说中一样美丽。那是我自从工作以来，第一次的complete switch-off。只是因为我把那个让我obsessively一直检查的outlook mail app从手机uninstall了（很惭愧地说，after the trip我晚上一到家心里开始累积anxiety，想着要开laptop检查email，只是过了一个礼拜半，就有了110++ unread mails），这是我需要的soul cleansing trip，远离我生活和工作的地方，感受那份平静，和看着身边的人，都一样喜欢和享受那个当下。South NZ让我们想起Tasmania，尤其那些我们一路经过的小城。想起Tasmania，想起几年前在那里的生活，回头看看那时的自己，以为自己已经是真正的成人了，原来这么青涩。我不想要失去当初的热情和纯真，但是很多稚气，冲动，不成熟，uncontained negative emotions，确实该慢慢被退到时光后面。读完一本CBT textbook才去的旅行，一场平静的旅行，让我想起一些曾经的旅行，还看回很久以前的ig post，我更加喜欢现在的自己。我想要更多的maturity and strength来面对假期后的现实里的很多不喜欢，anxiety and uncertainty。我知道在未来，我也会更喜欢未来那刻的自己。Thank you for the good trip and memorable 10D9N。

Deer Park Height

一场意外的雪

Mt Cook 

春天的花

2 months down soon.

Dear R,

In these 6 weeks, I have read Goodman and Scott minus a few chapters, several chapters of Clinical Child Psychiatry, CBT by Judith Beck. I have written up 3 cases. I have grasped the basics of eating disorders. I understand attachments more. I can take better social and developmental history. 

I want it all to end soon.  I want to finish my assessments as soon as I can. I want to learn what I should, and move on. 

I feel sick. I feel disappointed and devalued. I feel shut up. I have no voice. I feel wronged, even though all that I do is just my best. 

Anyhow. I am going on 2-week leaves. I have uninstalled the Outlook app from my phone. I do not want to care anymore. A place with no good leadership, a place full of disgust. 

11.9.26

Dear R,

Despite my best effort, I feel misunderstood, disgusted and unhappy. 

As my naivety gets peeled away from me slowly,  I feel the rawness of the spot. I find it hard to breathe.

I do not believe I have done anything wrong.

But I do not want to care anymore. 

But just 5 weeks down

Dear R, 

I talked to Michael. Michael is a registrar a rotation ahead of me. I needed to talk to someone (who can share me the truths) badly. He advised me to keep my head down in CYMHS, go with the flow, get my things signed and to hopefully never return. This is such a good practical advice, why hadn't I thought of it before. I told Michael I am too naive and brainless that I have to learn some lessons the hard way. He comforted me that he did the same, but only on the his last MDT day with the team. I can't pinpoint the problem. I feel unfulfilled and not happy in the Eating Disorder team. I start to understand what Farai told me. She said Older Persons is a good team, although technically many things are broken. She said I will miss them. She is right. Sometimes I daydream of bringing biscuits and snacks to their office, giving and getting free hugs. 

Maybe I should stop trying to show or prove my worth, to state the obvious. And maybe I can guess why now Laszlo loves the CL office and the people in there so much. I am enjoying the CL part too. I am just slowly getting used to the people. 

But, is there no right or wrong in this world? I feel tired of it all. I feel misplaced.