2025年读过的书

1) How does it feel- Sophie Kinsella
2) The Answer is No- Fredrik Backman, translated by Elizabeth Denoma❤
3) Wedding people- Alison Espach
4) I decided to live as me- Kim Suhyun, translated by Anton Hur
5) Four Seasons in Japan- Nick Bradley
6) Letters from the Ginza Shihoda Stationery Shop- Kenji Ueda, translated by Emily Balistrieri
7) The Woman in the Purple Skirt- Natsuko Mamura, translated by Lucy North
8) Normal People- Sally Rooney
9) The Lantern of Lost Memories- Sanaka Hiiragi, translated by Jesse Kirkwood ❤
10) Yeonnam-Dong’s Smiley Laundromat- Kim Jiyun, translated by Shanna Tan
11) The convenience store by the sea- Sonoko Macida, translated by Bruno Navasky❤
12) The Full Moon Coffee Shop- Mai Mochizuki, translated by Jesse Kirkwood ❤
13) To the Moon- Jang Ryujin, translated by Sean Lin Halbert ❤
14) Lonely Castle in the Mirror- Mizuki Tsujimura, translated by Philip Gabriel ❤
15) Lost Souls Meet Under a Full Moon- Mizuki Tsujimura, translated by Yuki Tejima ❤
16) How to Hold Someone in Your Heart- Mizuki Tsujimura, translated by Yuki Tejima
17) A Perfect Day to Be Alone- Nanae Anoyama, translated by Jesse Kirkwood
18) Days at the Torunka Café- Satoshi Yagisame, translated by Eric Ozawa
19) The Restaurant of Lost Recipe- Hisashi Kashiwai
20) Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine- 大概弃读
21) Every day I read- Hwang Bo-Reun, translated by Shanna Tan- 正在读。

继续日韩的一年。
R问过我喜欢看什么书。我说喜欢日韩书，因为文字和故事简单。
有时读了太多，其实故事确切在说什么，转头就忘了。
好像只是纯粹喜欢阅读时那个moment。
放工吃饭时读的书。

今年读过的都挺好，毕竟都是热门书。
不热门都不会被翻译成英文。

最喜欢<To the Moon>

"This was my twenty-ninth year on this planet, but each year I still experienced something for the first time."

2
年头第一本读的How does it feel，Sophie Kinsella写她的脑癌故事。
年尾她就去世了。

20 Dec

你知道我不舍 你知道我在意 你知道我会想念你

我比我想象中的还难过

走到这里 我更加明白了 你的boundaries 是对我好。

因为你明明也有感情。

你带我走过inpatient。

你帮我transition into CCT, practically and intellectually。

我当然会想念你。

但我要怎样move on。

最后一天 你帮我切蛋糕给大家。

最后一天 离别的客套话我们都没说。

你如常和我说再见。你站在我的office门边，叫我的名字说再见。我看着你笑了，不是礼貌的那种微笑。你也笑了，和我带着同样情绪地看着我笑。

我们都知道，这是最后一次。

沉默几秒后，你轻轻说it's nice working with you。我点头。我心里真的很喜欢，我们一起工作的时光，真的很喜欢。

你说good luck。每次我安静的时候，你都负责打破沉默。我说you too，真诚地，你也看见。

然后你对Anna也说good luck。然后你走去和其他人打招呼和说good luck。然后你离开了SHP，那个你问我知不知道停车场在哪里，那个你带着我和medical director and clinical director打招呼，那个你教我如何run clozapine and CCT clinic的地方。

我们都有各自的路要走。每次相遇的结局是给对方祝福。

谢谢你曾经来过并且认真地停留，点亮了我的2025年，点缀了我的29岁。

这一年，遇见你，我好幸运，好幸运。

18 Dec 2025

I will be okay.

And you said life moves on. 

-ve emotions dump

I was naïve to think that CCT is just about seeing patients.

There was quite a long period time when my mind was running constantly even when I wasn’t at work and when I felt that my obsessiveness was enlarged by CCT. It was also that period of time when I felt that it was ridiculous of me to get the burnt-out like feeling from the non-clinical work of those endless script jobs and constant non-urgent interruption from anyone when I was thinking or halfway doing something. I was also thinking every day whether I have done good enough job or if I have done something not right. 

I fell sick for a few days. I returned to work to meet a consultant who is still giving me unpleasant feelings (which Anna who is always reasonable, mature and quite honest doesn’t share). Case managers who couldn’t reach him or didn’t get satisfiable plan from him turned to me. People who didn’t get his response from emails started to include and address me in another emails. I had to take a break, by taking up a week of Twilight shifts. Turned out it wasn’t a break. When I was not physically at CCT, the emails still came non-stop (and I was at fault by obsessively checking them frequently when I wasn’t even at work) and clinically unimportant jobs still are piling up. I still couldn’t run away from the consultant as I had to ring him at the start of one of my shifts and he hung me up after 1 second of ring (which angered me a lot). I still have to smile at him and answered his how are you. I figured out a suitable way to reach him and to discuss plans with him. I decided to leave it aside.

Things felt reset after my Twilight week. Script jobs get lesser. Case managers are still lovely. I become more familiar and confident with my clinical work.

But then I recently, after my OCA, realised perhaps a bit too late that I might have been doing my community interview the wrong way all the while. That could explain why I always feel more comfortable in seeing acute patients needing admission. Last week we received the new term allocation. I felt left behind when seeing my peers getting CL and CHYMS terms. Am I left behind? I was judged as less adequate based my imperfect performance in the interview.  Am I inadequate? Although I know things will turn out fine somehow,  I can’t help but feeling lost.

This term is ending quicker for me. I feel guilty when I heard people saying there wont be a reg clinic in January (and at the same time knowing I can’t be that important, we are replaceable, and I was reminded by the system that I was not ranked into top 10? I didn’t know I have to be in the top 10). I feel guilty because I made the choice to want to end this quicker. I am unsure if I have learned enough. How can I be better? Or maybe I just need some peace and control.