-ve emotions dump

I was naïve to think that CCT is just about seeing patients.

There was quite a long period time when my mind was running constantly even when I wasn’t at work and when I felt that my obsessiveness was enlarged by CCT. It was also that period of time when I felt that it was ridiculous of me to get the burnt-out like feeling from the non-clinical work of those endless script jobs and constant non-urgent interruption from anyone when I was thinking or halfway doing something. I was also thinking every day whether I have done good enough job or if I have done something not right. 

I fell sick for a few days. I returned to work to meet a consultant who is still giving me unpleasant feelings (which Anna who is always reasonable, mature and quite honest doesn’t share). Case managers who couldn’t reach him or didn’t get satisfiable plan from him turned to me. People who didn’t get his response from emails started to include and address me in another emails. I had to take a break, by taking up a week of Twilight shifts. Turned out it wasn’t a break. When I was not physically at CCT, the emails still came non-stop (and I was at fault by obsessively checking them frequently when I wasn’t even at work) and clinically unimportant jobs still are piling up. I still couldn’t run away from the consultant as I had to ring him at the start of one of my shifts and he hung me up after 1 second of ring (which angered me a lot). I still have to smile at him and answered his how are you. I figured out a suitable way to reach him and to discuss plans with him. I decided to leave it aside.

Things felt reset after my Twilight week. Script jobs get lesser. Case managers are still lovely. I become more familiar and confident with my clinical work.

But then I recently, after my OCA, realised perhaps a bit too late that I might have been doing my community interview the wrong way all the while. That could explain why I always feel more comfortable in seeing acute patients needing admission. Last week we received the new term allocation. I felt left behind when seeing my peers getting CL and CHYMS terms. Am I left behind? I was judged as less adequate based my imperfect performance in the interview.  Am I inadequate? Although I know things will turn out fine somehow,  I can’t help but feeling lost.

This term is ending quicker for me. I feel guilty when I heard people saying there wont be a reg clinic in January (and at the same time knowing I can’t be that important, we are replaceable, and I was reminded by the system that I was not ranked into top 10? I didn’t know I have to be in the top 10). I feel guilty because I made the choice to want to end this quicker. I am unsure if I have learned enough. How can I be better? Or maybe I just need some peace and control.