Walking away

Dear R,

A asked how twilight shifts can make me feel happy if CCT can't. I was looking at the term preference list and A concluded that I will never feel satisfied.  Our previous intern Y once said I am a dramatic person as many little things can upset me. When I feel unhappy there must be even the subtlest reason. I talked to the case managers yesterday to put words to my experience. I can now after some information gathering say that I do not enjoy working with our consultant. I do not like to disagree with him, but his comments or decisions always remind me of a long-forgotten feeling of astonishment. I do not like to often have different or strong opinion, as I can be arrogant or prejudiced myself. I can't agree with managing an acutely deteriorating patient in the community/his decision to not switch paliperidone to alternative depot for a 30yo lady with persistent >1k prolactin and amenorrhea/re-titrating clozapine in the community for a patient who can't be honest about his clozapine use, and do weekly review for one particular patient for weeks because this is not even a HITH. I can't face conflict gracefully. I guess I also have not understood what recovery practice is after many weeks in CCT. I feel frustration when seeing patients who can't be happy and can't move on. I have just recently told myself that I can't be an avoidant person, but I still choose to walk away.