飘着细雨的晚上 四菜三饭

第二次和Hoiyan吃饭。她今年来黄金海岸工作。我喜欢看着她 passionately聊她的工作，让我看见赤裸裸的热爱。她是个认真工作和生活的人，也是个真诚和善良的人。我对真诚善良的人有这份直觉。所以才愿意和她spend time，我这种对于社交觉得很懒散和费劲的人。我也觉得，可能是命运，把一群相似的人带到一起了。我昨晚偷偷看回她很久以前脸书的照片（因为觉得我其实连她的背景都不清楚，大学也没同班过，突然好奇她以前的朋友是谁），好像看见我自己。在一座城市，一间中学，我们是那里“厉害读书的人”，我们心里有很尊敬的老师或者我们被老师宠爱。我们努力读书，上大学，我们实现心里的愿望，我们一步一步都努力认真。后来大学把这样的人都混在一起了。我在A-level时就开始迷失自己，抓不到自己的self-identity，还看见那些和我一样“成绩好”的人，她们有很多和我不一样，比我更好的地方。我浑浑噩噩往前走，带着困惑和自卑。我们来到了这里。我们各自来到了这里，各自靠着别人的help and support。人终究还是群体动物。我并不是一个人来到这里的，literally and metaphorically。我还没有遇到一个，我觉得我和她很像的朋友。我总有这样的孤单，直到有一天我不再care这份twinship，不再羡慕别人有闺蜜。我知道有人会在我需要的时候给我帮忙，我知道我也可以给一些人这样的温暖，我知道有人我愿意和她坐下来好好吃饭，聊一场开心舒服的天。或许这样，一直都够了。也走着走着，慢慢把自卑留在了这条路上的某一个转角，变成一个我小时候幻想中的大人。当我一个人不需要GPS开车在这里，看着让我觉得平静的道路和景色，我会突然有这种感觉，feeling grown up and belonged. 

Pushed into sea

Dear R,

I'm not having a good time. I'm unsure how things will unfold. I'm unsure how I can juggle things well. There are many things I need and want to learn, yet I feel that I'm not learning enough - the speed and the amount of it.

My week 2 in CYMHS became only half a week as I caught a bug again. It is all too much for me, my mind and my body. Too many new faces, new names and their roles. Too many teams, 3 or 4. New places, new directions, new right or left. I do not like the 0.5 + 0.5 split. I do not like to be at different place every day. I do not like feeling as if I'm needed everywhere (at the same time knowing full well I'm so replaceable).

I hope someone can guide me so I can learn well in CYMHS. I hope I can learn a lot of things about eating disorders, not be deterred by them anymore in the future, and see hope too. I hope I can unlock new skills in my assessment. I hope I can deal with family members gracefully and confidently .

I hope this time, it will be another good 6 months, without you, on my own, with my other little angels.

And people, how critical they might be, will slowly learn and see the good in me.

Thank you for giving me faith in myself. 

Sarah, a psychologist who happened to sit besides me in the Eating Disorder office, told me I am only one person, and that I shouldn't expect myself to know all the things already when I have just started. She said it's only 6 months, if I like it great, if I don't then I am not coming back. She is kind. She made things sound easy. I guess these are what you would share with me too. 

I know, things can't stay the same forever. I can't be stuck in the same scene in the same particular year. I can't replay the story over and over. I need to move on (and I have, and I am.)

First week in CYMHS

Dear R,

Now my consultant K is also a medical director. My supervision was totally forgotten though I took chance to ask one important burning question. My first week was not hectic. I felt exhausted every day. I slept right away after dinner every night. Every day was a different day. I am working across Paeds CL (+ED cover), Eating Disorder across 3 different sites. Finding my way and directions- literally- every day for the past 5 days- was exhausting enough. The next thing is getting to know another working and (human & clinical) management style of another consultant. The next thing is getting to know the new clinical stuff and of course all the other clinician colleagues (and medical paediatric colleagues. The number of new faces and name I encountered this week is none like before). I was glad I shared a moment of small catch up with Eric who told me it felt like first day at school, a much-needed twinship. Overall I felt quite lost this week, I felt like an orphan without a real guide in front of me; at the same time I felt freedom (huge change from the previous micromanagement) which I will treasure once I get familiarity in this field. I remember very clearly I sort of told you I missed inpatient ward when I first started CCT. Now I miss CCT and adult psychiatry. I am afraid that I will forget the 'real psychiatry'. But what is real psychiatry? It is about medications first from my view, then the psychological view. I am unsure if I will like CYMHS. I definitely do not regret Old Age Psychiatry. More in retrospect, I value it greatly. And in retrospect again, I learn something too from the team instability and disorganisation. We learn from negative examples too. 

路过一群人 他们提醒我要继续虚心善良。

Unfiltered rambling。

Leander给我写了很多句道别的温暖的话，她说这些不是场面话，you are a great doctor。我给Farai也写了道别的话，我这次最喜欢的工作大姐姐。上个星期五他们给我们办一场farewell，写卡片，送礼物。昨天V匆匆和我说告别的场面话，我也后来写了告别的场面话。我很满意的是后来我还是赚取了她的信任和好评，学到了该学到的。她说后来的thank you and welcome dinner再见。

昨天我在SHP分别和Kylie和Amritha拥抱。我走去SHP的路上，开车的Bryce经过，摇下车窗和我打招呼。喜欢到处串门口的James今天和我讨了script favour，又坐下来发表一些他的工作政治意见和废话。那个原本的R的 CCT desk（那个他本来就没有什么用的desk），我从原本的抗拒直到必须用那个座位，还很开心有一个安静的空间。我今天又和SHP告别了。我一个人安静地离开SHP。SHP，那个我原本不熟悉的地方，那个有一天的后来，我走去上班的路上突然哭了，又哭着回家的地方。那个后来我发现，原来即使我很敬重的人走了，留下来的还有很多喜爱我和我喜爱的人，原来我曾经给的善良和美好回忆，也会被留着。它们变成了后来的拥抱，他们话语中那个好的版本的我，她们给我的真诚诚实的分享。我感受到了，这是R和我说的reputation，这是我在考题上读到的social power。这是clinicians给我的温暖，这是我留下的善意，当我只需要做我自己（认真工作的我，安静的我，不想假装热情的我。被人看见我的anxiety的我。）

今天我和Older Person Community道别的时候，又在心里和CCT告别了一次。因为SHP在我心里，和CCT连接在一起。CCT对我来说，是R带着我，走进的另一个，更大的psychiatry世界。

这次，我也道别了那种每天的logistic uncertainty，那个没有computer不是clinic的clinic，每天不顺路的home visit，home visit在路上花时间给我带来的疲惫，home visit的cigarette stink and animal fur，那个很多抱怨的office，有点乱七八糟的calender booking，某个incompetent还很多抱怨的case manager，和V一些不必要的plan intervention，她太长的review，她每次都会插嘴我的review然后突然就take over了，她特定的note template和写impression的方式，她给的有时让我很不舒服却不接受反驳的意见。和我其实不是很喜欢等火车和坐火车，不喜欢robina的咖啡。这个一开始的organisational chaos居然就这样持续了一整个rotation。但是恭喜我自己，我survived了。这样的环境和工作方式对我来说是非常不友好的，但是我适应了，还做得很好。我把我的工作做得很好，我学到了我想要学了。

也是因为，这个rotation的workload真的不heavy（只是我一有病人，就会被home visit transport吃时间），我有过很多empty days without patients。这些counterbalance了我某些不愉快（和当我从observation和medication discussion时被V impressed的很多时刻）。我还用了这些时间写了psychological formulation，做learnit modules。就在今天，我读完了一本Nancy McWilliams。

今天也准时收到了pharmacist Ka Man的问候。

我今天和那个总是说我anxious的James说，我现在真的很anxious，关于我下个星期的new rotation。

但是，Dear R,

I think, this time, I will be fine too. I am going to try. I will learn new things again.